All of My Facebook Status Updates, Ever

I was reading something I should not have been reading earlier tonight... specifically, my ex's blog. Something that happened on April Fools Day last year really pissed her off, so I wanted to see exactly what it was that I said. I found a facebook application that will export all of your status updates to an Excel file.

I read through them all, and along the way, I found some other wonderful tidbits. Since weening myself off the medications this past fall, I have not had any major emotional crashes on either facebook or in this blog. It was fun reading through the few experiences with my bird that I documented while he was still alive. On the flipside, it was strange seeing how many major allergic reactions I had noted on facebook--and I still haven't definitively determined what caused the breakouts (though I have been avoiding monterey jack cheese). Also, while a few of the movies/TV shows/songs that I quote were just because I liked them, most of them were because they specifically said something I wanted to have said myself.


Note that the time stamps are in Eastern Time, since that's where I am now, but most of the posts were actually made from California, which would be three hours earlier in the day than posted. I've also not edited any of these--even where the app couldn't handle the UTF-8 characters. Anyway, here they are--my facebook status updates:


Timestamp,Status
April 17, 2010, 6:53pm,is watching Tron.
April 13, 2010, 9:57pm,""Did you know that dolphins are just gay sharks?""
April 13, 2010, 9:06pm,I'm excited that Glee is on tonight. I'm actually going to watch it on TV. With commercials. Is that weird?
April 10, 2010, 10:38pm,made pulled-pork BBQ today with a vinegar-based sauce. YUM!
March 28, 2010, 7:17pm,I'm wasting time with some light reading about quantum physics and particle collisions.
March 28, 2010, 11:40am,Word finally came down. I passed the second test. Hello Apple Certified Macintosh Technician. :)
March 26, 2010, 10:26am,Getting some brain food at Subway before the tests.
March 25, 2010, 8:35pm,I need to stop procrastinating... at least just for today.
March 22, 2010, 2:55pm,"Happy spring! Oh, it's snowing again."
March 21, 2010, 10:53pm,Breaking news: congress clears historic health care bill!
March 21, 2010, 11:15am,"When it doesn't rain, it snows."
March 19, 2010, 10:55pm,"Not all relationships are meant to last forever--even when you're in love. Some love stories are short stories, but they are love stories, all the same."
March 18, 2010, 11:36pm,I'm blaring Alvin and the Chipmunks. I *should* be going to bed.
March 18, 2010, 8:49pm,Yes.
March 18, 2010, 7:48am,I still hate getting up before the sun.
March 16, 2010, 7:35am,hates getting up before the sun.
March 4, 2010, 7:35pm,I'm enjoying the fact that I am now amongst the ever-shrinking collection of The Employed.
March 4, 2010, 5:01pm,I got a job!!!
March 3, 2010, 1:31pm,Been snoveling show.
March 2, 2010, 3:22pm,"Well, there went the power."
March 2, 2010, 11:32am,I haven't had enough snow yet. Have you? :D
February 25, 2010, 9:15pm,poked another a new hole into his leather belt. :D
February 21, 2010, 2:29pm,"So, a baby seal walks into a club..."
February 19, 2010, 4:03pm,"Ladies: look at your man. Now back at me. Now back at your man. Now back at me. Sadly, he isn't me."
February 14, 2010, 3:49pm,is very happy to be reminded that he's still single.
February 14, 2010, 1:35pm,>_<
January 29, 2010, 6:13pm,- well here we go again. I think we're already up to about four inches of snow.
January 21, 2010, 4:34pm,is going to see Avatar for the fourth time.
January 7, 2010, 8:06pm,"- ladies, every time you post a color on facebook, I'm thinking of you. ;)"
December 31, 2009, 6:44pm,I got nothing. Anyone want to do something tonight.
December 31, 2009, 5:01pm,"- f u cn rd ths, u r prbbly a lsy spllr"
December 30, 2009, 10:08pm,- Guess what? More snow... and freezing rain.
December 30, 2009, 2:18am,I just joined Stickam.com! Come view my LIVE stream at http://stickam.com/detrius
December 25, 2009, 11:08am,Merry Christmahanakwanzika to all!
December 22, 2009, 6:44pm,How many people's families break out in song mid-conversation? Just mine?
December 21, 2009, 11:28am,- Yay! Internet is back up!
December 19, 2009, 12:42am,"- lost Internet hours ago. Just lost power. It's still flurrying. There's a foot on the ground. Hopefully, we won't be without power for too many days."
December 18, 2009, 7:52pm,"12"" of snow, and it's still coming down."
December 18, 2009, 2:24am,"""As the Government of the United States of America is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion;"" -- read aloud and unanimously approved, printed in the Philadelphia Gazette and two New York papers with no evidence of any public dissent. Article 11 of the Treaty of Tripoli, 1797. This would never fly today. It's a good thing this was signed into law by one of our founding fathers."
December 3, 2009, 2:45am,- First rule of avoiding disappointment: lower your expectations.
November 28, 2009, 1:31am,- The third bar of the night finally has Coke!
November 27, 2009, 11:20pm,- damn hippies have taken over. Two bars and no Coke... or maybe it's the person choosing the bars.
November 27, 2009, 10:05pm,"ordered a ""Jack and Coke - hold the Jack,"" but they didn't have a crucial ingredient."
November 27, 2009, 8:58pm,"is going brewery hopping. As usual, he's the DD."
November 26, 2009, 2:25pm,"ate too much and figures that no one else did today, so this will be big, interesting news."
November 24, 2009, 1:20pm,thinks your opinions are reasonable--except for the one about his mental instability.
November 24, 2009, 12:13am,apparently is more conservative than his mother. Don't ask for an explanation.
November 23, 2009, 5:04pm,- ""Dinosaurs aren't extinct. They've just learned to hide in the trees.""
November 20, 2009, 7:27pm,has a 3G signal on AT&T in Asheville. They must have JUST gone live.
November 19, 2009, 4:54pm,is wondering who is planning to see the midnight opening of ""New Moon.""
November 13, 2009, 1:01am,"is at a midnight showing of a movie he expects to consist of little more than three hours of watching the world blow up. Monika, I'm thinking of you. :P"
November 12, 2009, 11:58pm,U2 tried to be personal. Jackson Browne always is. What could be more personal than listening to the audience call out what they want to hear?
November 12, 2009, 8:44pm,- ""Don't confront me with my failures--I have not forgotten them.""
November 10, 2009, 11:22pm,"is really enjoying the remnants of tropical storm IDA. After living in California for four years, he will never ever again complain about rain. Ever. Even tropical storm rain. Never."
November 9, 2009, 5:51pm,"""I don't remember you looking any better, but, then again, I don't remember you."""
November 6, 2009, 8:40pm,"- ""You're an island of reality in an ocean of diarrhea, and I love you..."""
November 1, 2009, 8:22pm,"moved in with his mom, and she's gotten him to start drinking."
November 1, 2009, 9:17am,can't handle any more weddings.
October 27, 2009, 1:52pm,is enjoying the deluge.
October 24, 2009, 12:46pm,"thinks it's strange to be at a family reunion and not be the youngest. Where did all these kids come from?? The stork has been busy, I guess."
October 8, 2009, 1:23pm,- Brutus got Newton.
October 6, 2009, 8:37pm,-POS AT&T network can't handle the crowd in the Georgia Dome.
October 6, 2009, 5:05pm,is about to eat dinner before seeing U2 in concert in Atlanta.
October 5, 2009, 3:07am,"is laying in bed at 3am, listening to the rain, well aware that he should have just gone to sleep a while ago."
September 15, 2009, 12:36pm,"didn't miss the Carolina Mosquitos, but clearly, they're glad he's back."
September 13, 2009, 1:51pm,"is the guy at The Organic Fest wearing the Cartman shirt that says, ""It's all a bunch of tree-hugging hippie crap."""
September 9, 2009, 4:22pm,saw a CD at Target called ""Classic Rock Ballads"" full of music from his childhood. This is appropriate for his upcoming thirtieth birthday.
September 9, 2009, 2:58pm,is seeing hail for the first time in a while.
September 8, 2009, 6:43pm,is enjoying a real thunderstorm with a real downpour.
September 4, 2009, 5:39pm,is wondering if there's still a drum circle in downtown Asheville on Friday nights.
September 4, 2009, 4:44pm,is trying to talk himself into hanging out in downtown Asheville... without much success.
August 31, 2009, 8:23pm,knew he was nearing home yesterday when he heard cicadas in the bushes and when he saw someone hit their brakes coming down a freeway on-ramp.
August 31, 2009, 3:39pm,is driving around Asheville looking for something to do.
August 31, 2009, 1:11am,is officially an Ashevillian again.
August 30, 2009, 2:28am,Is spending what's left of the night in Little Rock.
August 28, 2009, 12:48pm,is heading to the Grand Canyon.
August 28, 2009, 2:19am,"stopped for the night in Kingman, AZ."
August 26, 2009, 7:23pm,"will soon be loading up a car, heading back to Asheville."
August 15, 2009, 9:07pm,is counting down the days...
August 11, 2009, 3:52pm,thinks the wrong person got fired.
August 5, 2009, 7:13pm,is trying to figure out if he has any childhood heroes left...
July 31, 2009, 5:31pm,went home early and is going to *try* to catch up on some of the sleep he's worked through this week.
July 26, 2009, 10:24pm,is back in LA. It took two minutes and twenty seconds to get from the 110 to LAX.
July 26, 2009, 6:43pm,is in Denver for a short while.
July 26, 2009, 11:29am,is exhausted after a long wedding week.
July 26, 2009, 2:15am,is the DD for his step-Dad
July 25, 2009, 8:08pm,is realizing he finally overdosed on socialization early this morning.
July 25, 2009, 12:25am,is Sylar.
July 24, 2009, 12:31am,"is enjoying Grand Junction, CO."
July 23, 2009, 5:04pm,is tasting good wines.
July 23, 2009, 2:45am,is amazed he lasted this long on zero hours of sleep last night.
July 22, 2009, 12:04pm,"is alive. Apparently, you do NOT want the first meal out of McDonald's in the morning at LAX."
July 22, 2009, 8:34am,is breaking out in hives at a really bad time.
July 22, 2009, 6:55am,"is at LAX, waiting for it to open."
July 21, 2009, 11:46pm,hates hates hates prepping for travel.
July 9, 2009, 10:52am,"had a dream that he was a unicorn... no, not really... just galloping like a horse and holding up the head of a real unicorn on a stick so the cops would think he was really a unicorn. How freaking bizarre is that??"
July 6, 2009, 2:16pm,- Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they really aren't out to get you.
July 6, 2009, 1:00pm,- It's not paranoia if they really are out to get you.
June 28, 2009, 1:37am,is not human.
June 16, 2009, 1:13am,loves all the strange and unexpected places that will begin to itch when you break out in hives. He is also painfully aware that he would love them more IF THEY DIDN'T ITCH!
June 16, 2009, 12:11am,"believes he has finally narrowed down his hives-inducing allergy to excessive amounts of some wonderfully tasty cheeses. Apparently, Papa John's Tuscan pizza will do the trick. :("
June 15, 2009, 11:43pm,is realizing that just because his legs say that he can pedal really hard and fast up a hill doesn't mean that the REST of his body is up for it quite yet.
June 14, 2009, 4:10pm,is lost in translation.
June 13, 2009, 6:14pm,was here.
June 11, 2009, 12:15pm,"has figured out what his bird Newton did with his unexpected freedom all day yesterday: he pooped all over the bathroom, figured out how to climb down the shower curtain, and figured out how to fly BACK across the house."
June 10, 2009, 11:23pm,"is hoping he forgot to close his bird's cage this morning. The alternative is that his bird figured out how to get out. Fortunately, it appears nothing obvious has been destroyed."
June 10, 2009, 1:29am,wishes his hair were Emo so it would cut itself.
June 9, 2009, 3:40am,got married eleven years ago today. You'd think he'd be over it by now.
June 8, 2009, 12:33pm,is succumbing to a caffeine addiction all over again.
June 4, 2009, 8:16pm,"is trying to wake up his brain, but it's sound asleep... and snoring. loudly. even the neighbors can hear it."
June 3, 2009, 5:25pm,thinks the female population's fascination with ""Twilight"" just proves that girls don't really want ""The Nice Guy.""
June 3, 2009, 3:42pm,"really misses the Carolina thunderstorms. Rain in California is a joke, especially during the summer."
June 2, 2009, 5:03pm,"is wondering: if you don't get swine flu from eating pork, does that mean you won't get people flu if you eat people?"
June 1, 2009, 11:32pm,"- ""I don't know if I will ever trust again. It's a price that I must pay for all my sins. Time has changed me and left me full of doubt, and my heart may be lost, never to be found."" (Alison Krauss & Union Station, Poor Old Heart)"
June 1, 2009, 10:45pm,is sitting back and watching as his bird Newton is adjusting to the huge new cage.
May 30, 2009, 1:41am,"- I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind, got my paper, and I was free."
May 29, 2009, 12:06pm,thinks the word must be coming to an end. It's raining in California... in MAY!
May 28, 2009, 10:41pm,is an artificially intelligent instant messaging chatbot.
May 28, 2009, 2:09am,discovered how to delete root.
May 27, 2009, 3:21am,"is lying in bed, pondering quantum physics. No, really."
May 26, 2009, 10:08pm,"would like to apologize to the rest of humanity on behalf of The State of California citizens and voters for the human rights atrocity that was committed today in the name of democracy and majority rule. Clearly, we do not deserve our stereotype as the ü"
May 26, 2009, 8:06pm,"thinks we should have state-sanctioned wedding vows that say something like, ""as a wife, under god, beneath my husband, since men are better than women, in heterosexual same-race Christianity until Jesus takes us to heaven in the rapture!"" This will prop"
May 25, 2009, 9:28pm,just watched the Terminator movie and loved it. Now he just has to survive the bike ride home.
May 25, 2009, 6:11pm,- Newton just figured out he can land on top of the blinds. This is going to make life interesting from now on.
May 25, 2009, 7:24am,"could have sworn he was just awakened by another earthquake, but the USGS has yet to report anything."
May 23, 2009, 2:04am,is in a weird mood and could go for a hug... or a smile.
May 21, 2009, 8:54pm,is looking to sucker someone into taking him to see the Terminator movie tonight.
May 21, 2009, 2:39pm,just does not understand why iChat needs so freaking much RAM just to show me three tiny windows.
May 20, 2009, 4:30pm,"- why, oh why, didn't I take the BLUE pill?"
May 19, 2009, 6:54pm,"thinks that counted as an aftershock, since it came from practically the same place."
May 19, 2009, 6:52pm,is wondering if that counted as an aftershock.
May 17, 2009, 11:41pm,"- That earthquake was small, but it scared the bejesus out of my bird, Newton."
May 15, 2009, 8:11pm,"- ""A metaphysician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there, and a theologian is one who find the cat."""
May 13, 2009, 8:01pm,God I want to dream again. Take me where I've never been. I want to go there. This time I'm not scared.
May 13, 2009, 5:43pm,wishes he could be a fan of ""fans.""
May 13, 2009, 12:25am,misses Carolina peaches. The peaches available here in California just aren't remotely as good.
May 10, 2009, 11:48pm,misses the days when he could bring his bird with him to Taco Bell but thinks it's worth it to allow Newton to fly around the house.
May 9, 2009, 1:19am,"thought the Star Trek movie rocked, but also thought it a little weird that Winona Ryder played Spock's mother."
May 8, 2009, 12:26am,hopes the Benedryl kicks in soon.
May 8, 2009, 12:14am,hates allergic reactions he doesn't understand.
May 6, 2009, 9:00pm,loves work. He can sit and watch it allllll day.
May 5, 2009, 3:02am,thinks the TV show ""Cupid"" is adorable. :)
May 4, 2009, 4:45pm,says Happy Star Wars Day! May the 4th be with you!
May 4, 2009, 11:34am,had a blast exploring NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory on Saturday.
May 2, 2009, 4:25pm,is at JPL!
May 1, 2009, 2:18am,is dumbfounded. His bird said ""sorry"" after biting him!
April 29, 2009, 12:27pm,say: Drink from the carton; it's better for the environment.
April 29, 2009, 12:00am,has nothing interesting to tell you about. Go back to filling up everyone else's facebook pages with useless notifications about irrelevant stuff.
April 28, 2009, 1:01pm,"was invited to support the cause ""Focus on the Family,"" but he feels it's a twisted view of a several-millennia-old morality (they don't support stoning disrespectful children). This would conflict with his emphatic vote against proposition 8 and his mor"
April 27, 2009, 7:02pm,gets really frustrated when people who don't know what they are talking about argue as if they did and are incapable of being reasoned with.
April 26, 2009, 4:52pm,is sharing spaghetti with his bird.
April 25, 2009, 11:16pm,is trying to pick the capers out of his teeth with his tongue.
April 25, 2009, 3:59pm,has an evil attack parrot who enjoys assaulting visitors.
April 24, 2009, 3:42pm,loves paydays.
April 24, 2009, 2:59am,is going to watch some Heroes on his iPhone until he passes out.
April 24, 2009, 12:57am,4 8 15 16 23 42 EXECUTE
April 24, 2009, 12:22am,is waking back up after a nice long nap.
April 23, 2009, 8:03pm,is realizing his bird is a little demon.
April 23, 2009, 3:01am,is almost too sleepy to get up and turn off the lights.
April 23, 2009, 1:48am,thinks Bella should have wound up with Jake.
April 22, 2009, 11:47pm,"is wishing Nickel Creek would get back together. While Chris Thile kicks some serious mandolin ass on his own, the three of them are much better as a group."
April 22, 2009, 3:04am,"doesn't miss being a computer technician. Seeing how computers are put together and figuring out why they are broken can be fun, but eventually, it no longer supplies the mental stimulation. There are only so many different things that can go wrong with"
April 21, 2009, 10:57pm,"is at home, sweltering in the lingering heat, enduring the f'ing sting of sweat, hoping this evening will be better than the last."
April 21, 2009, 6:53pm,is thinking in C++... and regular expressions... and ANLTR-style EBNF.
April 20, 2009, 12:39pm,is enjoying the cold air from the air conditioner as it blows across his face.
April 19, 2009, 6:48pm,is thinking he might buy an air conditioner with his tax refund.
April 17, 2009, 11:26am,can hear the Long Beach Grand Prix two towns away.
April 16, 2009, 1:04pm,I ‚ô£ baby seals.
April 16, 2009, 12:27pm,What's on my mind? 14psi--or one atmosphere.
April 15, 2009, 6:39pm,is home early because the power went out at the office. Strong wind will do that.
April 15, 2009, 1:51am,"hates being an adult, but did his taxes anyway, and now he's wishing he'd done them earlier."
April 9, 2009, 8:08pm,hears people will be eating the remains of a dead telepathic zombie genie this weekend.
April 9, 2009, 1:01pm,rode his bike to work today.
April 8, 2009, 12:11am,"""You don't have to save me, but I am going to love you for the rest of my life, so things would be a lot better for me if you were around."""
April 6, 2009, 1:26pm,wants you to join their Mafia: http://apps.facebook.com/inthemafia/status_invite.php?from=593468543
April 5, 2009, 2:41am,is at RHPS for the first time in a long time.
April 3, 2009, 4:00pm,cogito eggo sum: I think I am a waffle.
April 3, 2009, 3:10am,is a figment of your imagination.
April 2, 2009, 11:42am,"would like to clear up a few things after his April Fools joke: He's not getting back together with his ex, they aren't going to have kids, and he only inferred who the other guy was."
April 1, 2009, 1:57pm,is getting back together with his ex-wife. She's leaving the husband she left Hank for and promises she'll never cheat again. For real this time.
March 27, 2009, 11:43am,is preparing for his dad to visit.
March 25, 2009, 11:53am,My mind is empty at the moment. Sorry to bore you with news of nothing.
March 24, 2009, 7:37pm,wants you to join their Mafia: http://apps.facebook.com/inthemafia/status_invite.php?from=593468543
March 24, 2009, 2:31am,is at a bar on a work night
March 24, 2009, 12:09am,A long time ago in a galaxy not so far away...
March 21, 2009, 1:16am,is one day into being weened off the old happy pills so he can try something different. Maybe going back on the caffeine would make his life easier.
March 20, 2009, 10:08pm,just got a bike and wore himself out riding it home. He's going to start riding it to work so people will laugh at him.
March 17, 2009, 12:27pm,is on his fourth day of kicking his caffeine addiction and feels like shit.
March 15, 2009, 10:06pm,is out for the LSD show
March 13, 2009, 5:07am,"really enjoyed the ending of the ""Twilight"" series, but it's *definitely* no ""Harry Potter."""
March 12, 2009, 5:17pm,thinks ""Renesme"" is a silly name
March 10, 2009, 8:50pm,"finally has his California driver's license, even though he moved here four years ago. Oh well."
March 10, 2009, 6:22pm,is waiting at the DMV
March 9, 2009, 11:26pm,is getting caught up on Battlestar Galactica
March 7, 2009, 11:05pm,is Peter Petrelli
March 6, 2009, 5:10am,thinks Edward Cullen pales in comparison to Jacob Black
March 5, 2009, 11:36pm,is waiting for a pulled pork dinner. He hopes it's good
March 4, 2009, 6:12pm,is (confidential)
March 4, 2009, 12:50pm,is trying to drag himself out of bed
March 4, 2009, 4:38am,"just hopes the double dose of Benedryl kicks in before the last ten percent of his nerve endings start itching, too. He also hopes it doesn't keep him from..."
March 4, 2009, 4:19am,hates breaking out in hives--especially since he hasn't figured out what causes it
March 4, 2009, 2:02am,is thinking about Skittles and wondering why they DON'T have all the colors of the rainbow
March 1, 2009, 3:53am,is thrilled that his bird is saying ""hafta go potty"" when he needs to go potty.
February 26, 2009, 2:26am,shouldn't go grocery shopping while depressed. He winds up buying too much chocolate.
February 25, 2009, 1:24am,is pretending to be high... alone at home... does that make him a poser-junkie?
February 24, 2009, 11:16pm,is making his monthly visit to Chick-fil-A
February 24, 2009, 7:54pm,is learning ANTLR
February 22, 2009, 11:51pm,is several chapters into ""New Moon."" Why does he keep doing this to himself when his meds run out?
February 18, 2009, 10:00pm,is spooky action at a distance.
February 14, 2009, 9:03am,is grumbling about Valentine's Day
February 12, 2009, 3:48pm,is wearing his atheist t-shirt today in honor of our ""god's"" 200th birthday.
February 8, 2009, 12:13am,is hanging out at a dueling piano bar
February 7, 2009, 3:55pm,"has a splitting migraine, and the carpet cleaning van next door is NOT helping"
February 6, 2009, 2:16am,is amused that his bird thinks saying ""hafta go potty"" means he wants out of his cage
February 4, 2009, 1:30pm,usually wakes up several hours after he gets out of bed.
February 4, 2009, 5:43am,stayed up too late reading
February 1, 2009, 11:30pm,hears there's something going on. Dinner plate. Supper dish. Soup bowl
January 31, 2009, 2:51am,"is headed to a bar. No, really. I swear. Well, okay. He's not drinking--like always"
January 27, 2009, 4:54am,"just finished watching ""Superbad,"" and it was... mostly worse and a little bit better than expected"
January 26, 2009, 12:33pm,is trying to drag himself out of bed
January 25, 2009, 6:03pm,still doesn't have his voice back from... uh... never mind.
January 24, 2009, 3:08pm,is headed to San Diego for the day
January 24, 2009, 4:41am,feels like crap
January 22, 2009, 2:05am,is giving Twilight a second chance-if his bird will stop chewing the book
January 20, 2009, 11:22pm,got to see his niece via web cam today
January 17, 2009, 2:10pm,shall forevermore be known as ""Uncle Hank.""
January 17, 2009, 11:29am,is going to become an uncle today
January 16, 2009, 10:17pm,may have to stop reading Twilight if it stays this... ""romantic.""
January 16, 2009, 1:29am,is getting depressed reading ""Twilight.""
January 15, 2009, 12:37am,"is reading ""Twilight."" No, really"
January 13, 2009, 7:26pm,is not ready for this heat. 83° is too much for January.
January 11, 2009, 9:27pm,is watching ""2001: A Space Odyssey."" He tried to watch it as a kid but fell asleep a half an hour in. Maybe he'll stay awake through it this time.
January 1, 2009, 11:40pm,is back in Los Angeles
January 1, 2009, 6:27pm,is FINALLY boarding his 4:30 flight out of Charlotte
January 1, 2009, 4:42pm,is killing time waiting for a delayed flight
January 1, 2009, 4:05pm,is having barbecue at the airport before leaving The South
January 1, 2009, 1:01am,is in 2009 on The East Coast
December 30, 2008, 11:13am,is running out of time in North Carolina
December 27, 2008, 4:26pm,is headed to Tennessee to look at puppies
December 26, 2008, 1:11am,is missing Newton on his first birthday
December 25, 2008, 8:00pm,made it to Charlotte but still has to drive to Asheville
December 25, 2008, 3:23pm,is beginning to hate flying. It's not the planes themselves--rather the stress and anxiety involved in airports
December 25, 2008, 2:45pm,will be boarding a plane shortly
December 25, 2008, 1:42am,figures it's Christmas on the East Coast
December 16, 2008, 8:39pm,thought ""Portal"" was a mind-numbingly easy puzzle game.
December 15, 2008, 12:24pm,really enjoyed sleeping to the sound of rain
December 13, 2008, 11:18pm,"is proof that adults really CAN do what they want. He made a peanut butter, nutella, and marshmallow cream sandwitch."
December 13, 2008, 6:48pm,just heard the ice cream truck drive by.
December 11, 2008, 5:39am,"is not at all surprised that his two worst matches on Flixster are his own brothers, but he is surprised that his best match is his friend's wife."
December 11, 2008, 3:49am,will be feeling much better once he gets his happy pills replaced.
December 10, 2008, 4:49pm,is feeling a bit moody today
December 9, 2008, 1:40am,is wasting time at Barnes and Noble
December 3, 2008, 2:40pm,"is really happy to have been able to spend a lot of time with Newton last night. Newton is really happy about that, too."
December 2, 2008, 12:59am,is back in Los Angeles but can't get his bird until tomorrow
December 1, 2008, 7:42pm,is on an airplane
December 1, 2008, 7:27pm,is about to get on a long flight to Los Angeles
December 1, 2008, 3:54pm,is headed back to California
December 1, 2008, 12:44am,doesn't think there's a mouse in his mom's new tree. It's just needles being rustled by the vent the tree is sitting on
November 30, 2008, 6:45pm,"'s mother thinks he should look to date someone he grew up with. Hank thinks it's a lost cause. At least, he thinks he does"
November 29, 2008, 5:16pm,"is bored watching football games with the family. Someone just won, someone else just lost, and I don't have a clue what my dad and brother are talking..."
November 28, 2008, 6:10pm,just had some great barbecue
November 28, 2008, 3:43pm,"will be headed to Charlotte, shortly"
November 27, 2008, 11:55pm,is glad he didn't have to watch any football games today
November 25, 2008, 7:43pm,is headed for Chinese food
November 25, 2008, 4:13pm,went to six different gates across three terminals before the plane finally showed up
November 25, 2008, 9:29am,is not used to boarding the plane BEFORE sunrise. LAX sunrises are so... industrial
November 25, 2008, 8:43am,was amazed by the stupid people in line at security today
November 25, 2008, 7:25am,pulled another freaking all-nighter before his flight
November 25, 2008, 3:38am,should probably start packing sometime soon.
November 24, 2008, 9:30pm,is frustrated with how much airlines charge to bring pets with you when you travel.
November 24, 2008, 2:36am,does not enjoy leaving his bird behind when he goes out of town.
November 23, 2008, 12:13am,is hating the caffeine withdrawal headache.
November 17, 2008, 4:45pm,is watching the ashes fall like snow flurries
November 17, 2008, 12:13am,is safely in Long Beach
November 16, 2008, 7:13pm,is pretending that his Facebook friends care that he's getting on the plane
November 16, 2008, 6:53pm,is not looking forward to the smoky 90 degree weather of Southern California
November 16, 2008, 5:00pm,is headed to the airport
November 16, 2008, 2:21pm,is at the Field Museum
November 16, 2008, 11:55am,is going out to play in Chicago
November 16, 2008, 9:37am,doesn't want to get out of bed
November 15, 2008, 7:47pm,is at the last evening of the convention
November 15, 2008, 6:07pm,is thawing off at The House of Blues
November 15, 2008, 12:03pm,is hoping to see some snow today in Chicago
November 14, 2008, 10:09pm,is reading at Panera in downtown Chicago
November 14, 2008, 11:39am,does not enjoy getting up early in the morning-especially when jet-lagged
November 13, 2008, 5:44pm,is going to the top of the Sears Tower
November 13, 2008, 3:07pm,is in a cab headed to downtown Chicago
November 13, 2008, 10:39am,is headed to Chicago
November 13, 2008, 9:44am,apparently overestimated the insanity of the line. Breakfast is a good thing
November 13, 2008, 9:18am,is standing in an insanely long security line
November 13, 2008, 8:13am,is wondering why he keeps pulling all-nighters for early morning flights
November 13, 2008, 1:46am,is leaving for the airport at 4am
November 10, 2008, 11:43pm,is enjoying the Southern comfort food that is Chick-fil-A
November 10, 2008, 10:01pm,is in first gear on the freeway. I guess this is LA traffic
November 9, 2008, 4:55pm,"just found out about Michael Crichton. He figures he needs to find a new favorite author, now."
November 8, 2008, 8:42pm,is spending yet another weekend alone with his bird. He should probably make an effort to actually get out and interact with society. Hmmm...
November 8, 2008, 8:42pm,is spending yet another weekend alone with his bird.
November 7, 2008, 1:56am,"didn't get motion sick playing Descent twelve years ago, so why does it make him sick now?"
November 5, 2008, 11:52pm,is making those who voted ""yes"" on Prop. 8 his Holy Crusade du Jour
November 4, 2008, 10:10pm,will never understand why people vote Republican.
November 4, 2008, 9:55pm,is moving to Canada if another freaking suicidal conservative gets elected.
November 4, 2008, 9:18pm,thinks this already looks like a landslide election.
November 2, 2008, 4:29am,is tired of spending every weekend alone.
October 30, 2008, 12:44pm,is walking to work in the rain!
October 28, 2008, 2:06am,got motion sick driving around a boat in Half Life 2 on a 30"" computer monitor.
October 26, 2008, 9:20pm,is excited that Newton is learning to fly!
October 21, 2008, 7:14pm,is going to the Psychonomics convention in Chicago in early November
October 19, 2008, 10:34am,"is home with Newton, but still a bit tired"
October 19, 2008, 2:37am,"is home, but still misses his bird"
October 18, 2008, 11:53pm,"is waiting for luggage, but really just wants to stretch"
October 18, 2008, 11:43pm,is in Los Angeles
October 18, 2008, 7:23pm,will be on a bigger plane momentarily
October 18, 2008, 6:55pm,is in line for BBQ in Memphis
October 18, 2008, 4:47pm,is headed home
October 18, 2008, 4:39pm,will be on a plane soon
October 18, 2008, 3:36pm,is eating airport food
October 18, 2008, 2:06pm,will be heading to the Charlotte Airport shortly
October 18, 2008, 9:15am,didn't expect to be cold in Durham
October 16, 2008, 11:44pm,"was going to make a stupid comment about being in Orange County, but apparently Durham is not in Orange County"
October 16, 2008, 5:15pm,is at a Starbuck's somewhere near Durham. Apparently their Sorbetto drinks are only available in SoCal
October 16, 2008, 10:20am,is heading to Durham today
October 15, 2008, 11:15pm,is being reminded that TV commercials get tiring very quickly
October 15, 2008, 10:21pm,is watching the candidates dodge questions
October 14, 2008, 12:54am,is not the same person he was a week ago
October 12, 2008, 9:31pm,has learned a lot about himself over the past week
October 12, 2008, 3:37am,feels like a life-saver after his reunion experiences
October 11, 2008, 8:35pm,is at Tressa's with the rest of the class
October 11, 2008, 9:20am,"is still half asleep, but his mom won't let him go back to sleep"
October 10, 2008, 2:38pm,is about to head to Asheville
October 9, 2008, 8:03pm,finally made it to Charlotte
October 9, 2008, 4:14pm,apparently missed his flight by one minute
October 8, 2008, 11:05pm,is loving the sound of rain
October 8, 2008, 10:07pm,is trying to figure out where his headaches are coming from
October 8, 2008, 4:55pm,"is sitting at his sister's house, surfing the web, while everyone else is out making their monies."
October 8, 2008, 2:14pm,is in a boat on Upper Saranac Lake
October 7, 2008, 1:16pm,made a wonderful woman very very happy on the flight to Detroit
October 7, 2008, 1:37am,is amazed at how much his ears are ringing. He hasn't heard silence like this since... He's not sure
October 6, 2008, 8:21pm,"is in Detroit, but why?"
October 6, 2008, 3:20pm,is on a plane to Detroit
October 6, 2008, 2:13pm,is at an expensive airport restaurant
October 5, 2008, 11:56pm,is really going to miss his bird for the next two weeks. :(
October 3, 2008, 11:29pm,is excited that it's supposed to rain tomorrow. He hasn't seen rain in about six months.
October 2, 2008, 12:50pm,can't brain today. He has the dumb.
October 1, 2008, 10:04pm,has to stop working because the power went out. The computer won't run forever on the UPS
September 30, 2008, 8:31pm,"nearly melted today, it's so freaking hot. Wtf is up with 102° by the Pacific in the fall?"
September 28, 2008, 6:18pm,lives by the beach.
September 27, 2008, 5:43pm,is still amused that his coworkers consider him the safest driver at the office.
September 26, 2008, 9:38pm,is watching the debate streaming over the internet via C-SPAN while making sure that his restore from backup is working.
September 26, 2008, 8:20pm,is giving his paycheck to the biggest bank to ever fail.
September 26, 2008, 6:24pm,is standing in line at the genius bar. damn hard drives.
September 26, 2008, 11:58am,"is panicking about WaMu! Oh, wait, I'm already broke, so I guess I'm not affected."
September 26, 2008, 1:31am,wishes he could take his bird with him on his trip to the east coast.
September 24, 2008, 4:38pm,thought Heroes could have been better.
September 24, 2008, 4:37pm,thought Heros could have been better.
September 22, 2008, 7:40pm,is looking forward to the Heroes premier.
September 17, 2008, 9:45pm,
September 17, 2008, 3:13am,is 29 and not happy about it.
September 16, 2008, 11:31am,woke up thinking it's Monday.
September 15, 2008, 7:47am,should have gone to sleep long ago.
September 13, 2008, 2:24am,has nothing better to do.
September 12, 2008, 11:40am,has updated his iPhone and hopes it works now.
September 9, 2008, 8:04pm,is bummed he has to wait until Friday for the iPhone software fixes.
September 8, 2008, 7:14pm,is melting in the sweltering heat at the office with broken AC.
September 7, 2008, 7:09pm,is not in right now. please leave your name and number at the beep. .
September 2, 2008, 5:54pm,is testing out Google's new Web Browser!
September 2, 2008, 12:45pm,is wondering where the weekend went.
August 30, 2008, 8:24pm,is awake.
August 29, 2008, 11:03pm,is watching the speeches from the DNC.
August 23, 2008, 12:15am,agrees with REM: ""It's easier to leave than to be left behind.""
August 21, 2008, 5:34am,"is pissed that his iPhone managed to brick itself again, even after a complete wipe last night. Grrrr... Apple fucked up BIG time with iPhone 2.0."
August 18, 2008, 5:55pm,loves that he's no longer a freak. An atheist liberal Mac user fits in perfectly in California.
August 16, 2008, 10:55pm,says the vertigo is not an earthquake--this time.
August 16, 2008, 12:01am,is having a housewarming party tomorrow (Saturday).
August 9, 2008, 11:58pm,hates the migraine-inducing heat.
July 29, 2008, 3:13am,is pretending to be asleep.
July 22, 2008, 1:01pm,gives free hugs.

Why I Can't Stop Crying

I've just finished reading the first chapter of the third book in the Ender's Game series. I can't stop crying. It's seven pages about characters of whom I know nothing, and yet I can't stop crying. I even put the book down and went off to do other stuff, and I still can't stop crying. Why? Because in seven pages, I realized that the dream I've long since given up on is the ideal that makes marriage so perfect for so many people, and it's a happiness I am afraid I am doomed to live without. In seven pages, I saw a man's intellectual and philosophical dependence on his wife--a dependence that I have never been capable of relinquishing because I do not trust people to be correct. I do not trust people to not screw things up. But if I cannot trust the woman I love to be competent, then how can I completely love her? How could I ever truly depend on her? How could I ever commune with her at all? If I see most everyone as inferior to myself, if I see her as inferior to myself, then the only love I can ever experience is a small slice of the whole--an appetizer. It's a taste of what could be, and it only serves to whet my appetite for something more. The more I learn, I realize I've settled in the past. I've settled for less than I deserve. It's not about beauty or attractiveness. It's not about what she does for me or what I do for her. It's about whether it's even possible for one to understand what the other desires to convey. If this cannot be achieved in both directions, the relationship is doomed to failure for at least one will find this to be an unbearably lonely existence, where not even the person you share your life with can comprehend your desires, curiosities, whims, theories, confusions, joys, bursts of insight, or even the reasons for why you feel you are not understood.

If I ever do find this, I will fight to the death to keep it. In seven pages, we see this. If she were to ever die, there would surely be nothing left worth living for.

From last night's movie: "WITHOUT YOU, I'm as lonely as an abandoned dog on the side of a highway. ... I declare now that I will give my life to you, and if you fail to come to me, I know some part of me will surely die."

I die a little every day. And so I cry.

100 Girls

"WITHOUT YOU, I'm as lonely as an abandoned dog on the side of a highway. I have gift anxiety, even though I don't know when your birthday is. We can spend perfect days shopping and cooking together. I swear I'll never make wisecracks when you scrape your tires against the curb while parallel parking. If you consent to live with me, I'll clean the toilet every week--I'll do it with my tongue if you ask. I will strike the words "hooters" and "love rockets" from my vocabulary. I'll love you, even if your name is Mimi and you want me to pronounce it May-may. I will only pass gas under the covers and only the direst of circumstances. I'll go on a low cholesterol diet, and I won't buy one of those red sports cars when I reach my mid-life crisis. Your parents can come visit us every week--even if your mom is a big witch with a capital "B." You know, and your parents don't have to live in a retirement home because they can come live with us. I declare: I will separate the whites from the colors. I'll learn the mysteries of hot water and cold water washes. I'll never huff and puff while waiting for you to put on your makeup. If you're a cat person, I'll never point out that a dog can save your life from drowning but a cat can't. I will happily go see chic-flicks with you, like "Pride and Prejudice." I'll make a point to try new foods like okra gumbo. I won't curl my nose at vegetables whose awful taste is disguised by putting cheese on it. I pledge to always say "yes" when you ask, "Is my hair looking okay tonight?" I'm going to bring a whole new meaning to the word "cuddle." I'll be thoughtful enough to read your horoscope every day. I'm going to save every birthday card you send me, and I'll actually write you real letters when we're apart. I'm never going to expect you to remember where I left my car keys, and I'll never leave my socks on the floor. With me, you'll find the cap is always on the toothpaste. I'll start wearing those male bikini underwears if you like. My belly button will always be lint-free. I want to full-on kiss your clitoris. It will be the most passionate, intimate experience you've ever have. I declare now that I will give my life to you, and if you fail to come to me, I know some part of me will surely die."

---------------------------------------------------

I just finished watching this movie, and I believe it's unexpectedly going high on my list of all-time favorites. I streamed it from Netflix online expecting to watch some brainless romantic comedy, but I was amazed at how philosophical a movie it truly is. In my mind, it properly defined the power struggle between real men and real women: it defined old-school feminism from the humanist male's perspective.

Furthermore, I really enjoyed this movie's one sex scene. Every other movie I've seen portrays it as either an object to be acquired or some "beautiful romantic perfection." The reality is that the beauty, romanticism, and perfection is in the *reality* of the humor, noises, messiness, pleasure, and utter intimacy of the clumsiness that comes with familiarizing yourself with someone else's body.

This movie represents romantic love as I see it and as I delude myself into believing that I've experienced it. We all fall in love with an ideal just to find out this ideal is NOT the person we're with... and then we fall in love with the reality.

Performing Noble Service to Aid Society

I was told recently that I have missed my life's calling and that I am wise beyond my years. While it's a wonderful compliment and nice to think about, the topic of discussion is why this experience has meant so much to me. I spent an evening talking with an old classmate and spouse about their marriage. One of them even said I had given more useful advice than any of the people they had paid.

I'm not writing to discuss their marriage. The issues in their marriage are between them. I'm writing about myself. I recently took a two week trip to the east coast, and this is one of several eye-opening and self-validating experiences I had along the way.

I went back home for my ten year high school reunion. Traveling from Los Angeles to Asheville, NC, I held the record this time around for greatest distance traveled to get to the reunion. On top of this, I also held the record for most divorces (at two). Of course everyone asked me how I like California, and the response that I gave was that I fit in better out here--being a liberal, an atheist, and a relatively aggressive driver. As the two-day event went on, eventually I realized that this is actually not true.

What's really been vexing me since then, though, is why. In attempting to pin down a specific reason for this feeling, the best I've been able to elucidate is my difficulty in finding community out here. While my general philosophies fit in better out here, I still find myself alone and without a true friend nearly four years in. Furthermore, I haven't been single this long since early in high school. My theory is that Los Angeles is full of so many materialistic users-of-people that every initial meeting has an artificial barrier of distrust and uneasiness that must be slowly broken down over time; anything that makes you look exceptionally friendly, open, intelligent, or trustworthy is assumed to be a front--an attempt to portray yourself as something you truly aren't in order to position yourself better to take advantage of someone less guarded.

Or perhaps after marrying a woman who wasn't the person she portrayed and having her cheat and leave me for another man, maybe I'm the one distrusting and guarded. (Who needs therapy when you have a blog, eh?)

Spending time with my classmates helped to remind me of whom I really am. I went to school with these people from middle school to high school, so they were present for the most profound example of self-discovery I've had in my entire life: I'm smart. As stated unprompted by one of my classmates, I'm "the smartest guy in our class." You may be reading this and thinking that I'm arrogant or egotistical for just bringing it up, but my intelligence is one of many defining characteristics. With my class mates, I don't have to prove this. To my own initial surprise at the time, I already have... over and over again. If anything, my biggest dream for the past ten years has been to show up at the reunion and prove that this isn't all I am. I never imagined that I would show up to my reunion alone, but I can't imagine how I could have differentiated myself better if I had not been alone.


I bought a book many years ago when I originally began learning about the Myers-Briggs typology. The description of my type was, "performing noble service to aid society." For many years, I did not truly understand, and I even felt a little like a failure to my own personality type. In the past year, I've realized that I've been doing this all along, but I do it under a different guise: I'm a rescuer and a protector. I've always been one to keep an eye open when I see people in sticky situations, ready to offer help in whatever way I can.

This is actually the one thing I loved most about my five-year job at Radio Shack. I regularly got to help people understand things that they otherwise wouldn't have had a chance to understand. It was a commission-based job, but I'm not a sales person. I was unwilling to jump through the company's hoops and pressure customers into completely unrelated gimmicks. Unfortunately, this meant I was never paid well, but I loved it anyway.

My "noble service" has always been something I do for an individual. For me, it's like improving society one random act of kindness at a time. I don't do laundry for people, mow lawns for my neighbors, volunteer at the homeless shelter, or even help old ladies cross the street. I do, however, put money in expired parking meters, smile and wave at little kids, fix random broken things, and I do my best to make sure the stranger sitting next to me on the plane is as comfortable as possible. For this most recent trip, that involved talking with woman for hours and sharing the music on my iPhone with her. I even managed to find a pair of artists that spoke to her so perfectly that she cried to the lyrics of the songs (that would be The Indigo Girls).

There was enough about her that made this a non-starter as far as a romantic relationship is concerned (she lives on the far side of the continent, has a kid, and is married). If it weren't for all of this, I think we each would have been interested in the other, and this was surprising. It's been a really really long time since I've felt that kind of mutual interest, and it really meant a lot to me. Furthermore, this experience also reminded me of the fact that I have been completely unsuccessful in finding someone with whom I share my basic philosophical beliefs. The people I get along best with are those least likely to also be atheists, as people driven by emotion are the least likely to subscribe to a logical philosophy that implies that as part of the universe, we truly are small and meaningless in the grand scheme of things.


My two distinct rescue attempts at my class reunion both represent the epitome of me, and both are events that the "rescued" would probably prefer I not divulge in detail (one is not discussed at all). As I mentioned in a blog entry nearly two years ago, I'm aware that my habit of rescuing people has gotten me into relationships that probably shouldn't have lasted remotely as long as they did. I've learned that while the people I help out are exceptionally grateful, and women love a man that has come to her rescue, this is definitely not a good way to start a long-term relationship.

Despite the detail that an incredibly small number of people experienced this side of me at the reunion, I still feel like this counts as success. Regardless of whether anyone ever mentions anything again, I know I made a big difference in several people's lives--at least for a little while, and that has made all the difference to me.

Sex Before Marriage

Waiting until marriage is a deal-breaker for me. It's illogical. I'll wait until we're ready, be it weeks, months, or years, but I'm not going to "wait until marriage."

For some people, the argument of "sexual compatibility" is used against waiting for marriage. This is the belief that two people could find themselves sexually incompatible and wind up getting divorced over that. I find this to be utter nonsense and inapplicable to the situation at hand. People that pose this argument clearly do not consider sex to be an expression of love. The argument degrades sex to the level of bodily function and degrades the other person to nothing more than a sexual object, which in turn means that marriage is not done for love but for ownership, financial reasons, or nearly guaranteed paternity.

From this view on sex comes the idea that sex outside of marriage is a Bad Thing™, and this has the unfortunate side-effect of placing a stigma on sex in general. Ironically, this also means that people get married when they aren't socially compatible--as opposed to the common argument of sexual compatibility. Because of this stigma, people who are having sex wind up feeling bad about it and wind up being pressured to get married when they really shouldn't be getting married.

People who are waiting for marriage to have sex are not exempt from this pressure--it just comes from a different angle. Instead of the shame of sex outside of marriage, they deal with the pressure of getting married so they can have sex. The human mind is wonderful at rationalizing in order to get the results it desires. Personally, before having sex with a woman, I twice convinced myself that I did actually want to marry her (and followed through with it both times).

I completely respect the desire not to be one who sleeps around--I have the same desire--but I must respectfully disagree with the Christian concept of waiting for marriage, and I especially despise the shame that comes with it--both on a logical and personal level. Sex is not a bad thing--it's a wonderful, beautiful thing, and for me, it's a way of showing a woman just how special she is to me. It's a way of showing that I do care about her and value her more than anyone else, but anyone would be a fool to believe that the act of sex is limited to this.

Off the meds...

Due to unusual circumstances, I've been off my medication for nearly two weeks. Since the vertigo is gone, I'm starting to believe that I've moved past the withdrawal symptoms, and I've become the real "me." I have a ridiculously bad memory when it comes to subtle details like this, but I don't really remember what it was like *before* the antianxiety medication. Therefore, sometimes I wonder if it's still doing anything for me.

I do remember that within an hour of taking my first dose three years ago, I was the happiest I have ever been in my life. For the first time ever, I was enjoying being out, driving around town alone. I actually went to the mall and enjoyed it. It was the strangest experience--wanting to go to the mall. Granted, all I got was a few Godiva truffles, but that's not the point. Several years before, I walked into Concord Mills the week before Christmas, as I had been dreading doing my shopping. Five minutes in (I hadn't even gotten to a store), I couldn't handle the people and turned around to leave. I remember being proud of myself in high school for actually going to a movie theater alone. I wasn't sure why I was proud of myself, but I was.

As I said, I've been off my meds now for nearly two weeks. Some of my coworkers can tell within a few days that I'm off my meds, which just seems strange to me, since *I* can't tell that quickly. I could, however, tell a difference this weekend (and a wee bit through last week). I had all day yesterday to go refill my prescription, but I couldn't make myself walk to my car and drive to the pharmacy. I just couldn't do it. It's the exact same sense of impending doom that made me leave the mall. I know there's nothing to be afraid of, but I just couldn't make myself stand up and go.

Strangely, though, I feel that being *on* the meds isn't much better. I suppose I just haven't found the right SSRI for me. Lexapro was nice, but its effectiveness wore off after time. Effexor (what I'm on now) is better with the anxiety, but it doesn't get me through an entire day... and it comes with a sometimes unbearable depression. Unfortunately, I switched medications about the time my wife left me, so I really have had no way of knowing if it's the fault of the medication. That is, until now, I guess.

In March, I hit what I considered to be "rock bottom." I think anyone would agree that staying at the office, playing video games until two or three in the morning, just to go home, get a few hours of sleep, and be back by about nine the next morning counts as "having a problem." So, I forced myself; I gave myself a reason to go home.

I got a bird. Dogs and cats are too easy. You don't have to do anything for them to like you. Birds, on the other hand, are not mammals, and they are prey animals. Therefore, it takes effort to get a parrot to open up to you or to people in general. I wanted an animal that made *me* feel special, and having a parrot that likes me does just that.

Ultimately, what I really want(ed) is another person, but that has been out of my reach for too long. Having a pet satisfies the minimalistic desires for a warm body and minimal communication, but it's also generally better than a human for attention (that is, if attention is what you want).


Anyway... while I couldn't bring myself to go refill my meds, I am going to go watch a movie. It's depressing to spend an entire weekend alone. It's depressing not to be able to call a friend to hang out. It's depressing to find myself crying at every reference to anything remotely emotional in some old TV show. It's depressing. So, I'm going to go sit in a likely empty movie theater alone for the next few hours, as at least then, I can escape from my own depressing reality and pretend that I'm in someone else's depressing reality, where at least they have love.


Damn, I need a hug. No, not just a hug... I feel like sobbing into the nape of someone's neck, drenching her hair, wishing things were different. It's not very macho or manly, but I've never claimed (nor have I ever wanted) to be.

INFJ Redux

Last year, I wrote a blog entry about whether I might actually be an INFJ instead of an INFP. I took the test again, and yet again, it scored me as an INFJ.

This is the only test that has consistently scored me as an INFJ. After extensive research, I have come to the conclusion that it is WRONG, despite the fact that I read the descriptions last night of the INFP and INFJ in the one book I have and found it shocking that I agreed with the INFJ description MORE. Oddly, though, I found actual INFPs and INFJs online saying that non INFXs have their own preconceived notions of what we're supposed to be like, and it's impossible to convince them that they are wrong, since they "have more experience than [we do]."

There are two key distinctions between INFPs and INFJs that I've found, and BOTH put me solidly in the INFP camp.

1: INFPs use an informing method of speech, where INFJs use a directing form. i.e. I'll say, "I'm hungry," where an INFJ would say, "let's eat." People with the directing preference think of informers as passive-aggressive, and informers think of directors as bossy. http://www.infjorinfp.com/docs/PreferredCommunicationStyle.htm

2: There's a subtle difference in the priorities of the blah blah blah, so INFPs are Fi, Ne, whereas INFJs are Ni Fe. That is, my emotions are all mine (something about hero complex), but my intuition is readily given to others (parenting). With the INFJ, the intuition stays internal (hero), but the feelings are readily given to others (parenting). This is something I'm still trying to learn and make sense of. I can see how the INFP approach applies to me, and I am having a difficult time grasping the INFJ approach. Oddly, the exact same differences can be had between the ENFP and the INFP. So, the ENFP and INFJ both are Ni Fe, but the INFP is Fi Ne. http://www.personalitypage.com/INFP.html for a list, but no actual info. Info is here: http://www.infjorinfp.com/docs/8CognitiveProcesses.htm

From Jungian psychology, the Myers-Briggs inherits The Eight Cognitive Processes. Supposedly, each of the 16 types in the MBTI shares a specific set of four strengths and four weaknesses in these eight cognitive processes. The strengths for the INFP and INFJ are as follows:

INFP

Dominant	Fi	(Introverted Feeling)
Auxiliary	Ne	(Extraverted Intuition)
Tertiary	Si	(Introverted Sensing)
Inferior	Te	(Extraverted Thinking)

INFJ

Dominant	Ni	(Introverted Intuition)
Auxiliary	Fe	(Extraverted Feeling)
Tertiary	Ti	(Introverted Thinking)
Inferior	Se	(Extraverted Sensing)

Soooooo, I really AM an INFP. All the way. Not an INFJ. The test is misinterpreting my organization as me being a J, where it instead counts toward the INFP's Inferior preference for Extraverted Thinking (also defined as ORGANIZING).



This time around, I've done a fair amount of research. I still have more to go, but I'm learning. There is a fair amount on a site that is focused on this very issue--distinguishing between the INFJ and INFP. I've learned quite a lot from it, but the situation is not abundantly clear.

First, I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that I'm an xNFx. The only person I know that tries to claim I'm an extrovert is my ENFP mother... who is trying to claim that *she* is an INFP. Hmmm... Anyway, so I'm definitely an INFx. The vast majority of what I've come across throughout my life organizes me as a very definite Perceiver--usually near 100%.