All of My Facebook Status Updates, Ever

I was reading something I should not have been reading earlier tonight... specifically, my ex's blog. Something that happened on April Fools Day last year really pissed her off, so I wanted to see exactly what it was that I said. I found a facebook application that will export all of your status updates to an Excel file.

I read through them all, and along the way, I found some other wonderful tidbits. Since weening myself off the medications this past fall, I have not had any major emotional crashes on either facebook or in this blog. It was fun reading through the few experiences with my bird that I documented while he was still alive. On the flipside, it was strange seeing how many major allergic reactions I had noted on facebook--and I still haven't definitively determined what caused the breakouts (though I have been avoiding monterey jack cheese). Also, while a few of the movies/TV shows/songs that I quote were just because I liked them, most of them were because they specifically said something I wanted to have said myself.


Note that the time stamps are in Eastern Time, since that's where I am now, but most of the posts were actually made from California, which would be three hours earlier in the day than posted. I've also not edited any of these--even where the app couldn't handle the UTF-8 characters. Anyway, here they are--my facebook status updates:


Timestamp,Status
April 17, 2010, 6:53pm,is watching Tron.
April 13, 2010, 9:57pm,""Did you know that dolphins are just gay sharks?""
April 13, 2010, 9:06pm,I'm excited that Glee is on tonight. I'm actually going to watch it on TV. With commercials. Is that weird?
April 10, 2010, 10:38pm,made pulled-pork BBQ today with a vinegar-based sauce. YUM!
March 28, 2010, 7:17pm,I'm wasting time with some light reading about quantum physics and particle collisions.
March 28, 2010, 11:40am,Word finally came down. I passed the second test. Hello Apple Certified Macintosh Technician. :)
March 26, 2010, 10:26am,Getting some brain food at Subway before the tests.
March 25, 2010, 8:35pm,I need to stop procrastinating... at least just for today.
March 22, 2010, 2:55pm,"Happy spring! Oh, it's snowing again."
March 21, 2010, 10:53pm,Breaking news: congress clears historic health care bill!
March 21, 2010, 11:15am,"When it doesn't rain, it snows."
March 19, 2010, 10:55pm,"Not all relationships are meant to last forever--even when you're in love. Some love stories are short stories, but they are love stories, all the same."
March 18, 2010, 11:36pm,I'm blaring Alvin and the Chipmunks. I *should* be going to bed.
March 18, 2010, 8:49pm,Yes.
March 18, 2010, 7:48am,I still hate getting up before the sun.
March 16, 2010, 7:35am,hates getting up before the sun.
March 4, 2010, 7:35pm,I'm enjoying the fact that I am now amongst the ever-shrinking collection of The Employed.
March 4, 2010, 5:01pm,I got a job!!!
March 3, 2010, 1:31pm,Been snoveling show.
March 2, 2010, 3:22pm,"Well, there went the power."
March 2, 2010, 11:32am,I haven't had enough snow yet. Have you? :D
February 25, 2010, 9:15pm,poked another a new hole into his leather belt. :D
February 21, 2010, 2:29pm,"So, a baby seal walks into a club..."
February 19, 2010, 4:03pm,"Ladies: look at your man. Now back at me. Now back at your man. Now back at me. Sadly, he isn't me."
February 14, 2010, 3:49pm,is very happy to be reminded that he's still single.
February 14, 2010, 1:35pm,>_<
January 29, 2010, 6:13pm,- well here we go again. I think we're already up to about four inches of snow.
January 21, 2010, 4:34pm,is going to see Avatar for the fourth time.
January 7, 2010, 8:06pm,"- ladies, every time you post a color on facebook, I'm thinking of you. ;)"
December 31, 2009, 6:44pm,I got nothing. Anyone want to do something tonight.
December 31, 2009, 5:01pm,"- f u cn rd ths, u r prbbly a lsy spllr"
December 30, 2009, 10:08pm,- Guess what? More snow... and freezing rain.
December 30, 2009, 2:18am,I just joined Stickam.com! Come view my LIVE stream at http://stickam.com/detrius
December 25, 2009, 11:08am,Merry Christmahanakwanzika to all!
December 22, 2009, 6:44pm,How many people's families break out in song mid-conversation? Just mine?
December 21, 2009, 11:28am,- Yay! Internet is back up!
December 19, 2009, 12:42am,"- lost Internet hours ago. Just lost power. It's still flurrying. There's a foot on the ground. Hopefully, we won't be without power for too many days."
December 18, 2009, 7:52pm,"12"" of snow, and it's still coming down."
December 18, 2009, 2:24am,"""As the Government of the United States of America is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion;"" -- read aloud and unanimously approved, printed in the Philadelphia Gazette and two New York papers with no evidence of any public dissent. Article 11 of the Treaty of Tripoli, 1797. This would never fly today. It's a good thing this was signed into law by one of our founding fathers."
December 3, 2009, 2:45am,- First rule of avoiding disappointment: lower your expectations.
November 28, 2009, 1:31am,- The third bar of the night finally has Coke!
November 27, 2009, 11:20pm,- damn hippies have taken over. Two bars and no Coke... or maybe it's the person choosing the bars.
November 27, 2009, 10:05pm,"ordered a ""Jack and Coke - hold the Jack,"" but they didn't have a crucial ingredient."
November 27, 2009, 8:58pm,"is going brewery hopping. As usual, he's the DD."
November 26, 2009, 2:25pm,"ate too much and figures that no one else did today, so this will be big, interesting news."
November 24, 2009, 1:20pm,thinks your opinions are reasonable--except for the one about his mental instability.
November 24, 2009, 12:13am,apparently is more conservative than his mother. Don't ask for an explanation.
November 23, 2009, 5:04pm,- ""Dinosaurs aren't extinct. They've just learned to hide in the trees.""
November 20, 2009, 7:27pm,has a 3G signal on AT&T in Asheville. They must have JUST gone live.
November 19, 2009, 4:54pm,is wondering who is planning to see the midnight opening of ""New Moon.""
November 13, 2009, 1:01am,"is at a midnight showing of a movie he expects to consist of little more than three hours of watching the world blow up. Monika, I'm thinking of you. :P"
November 12, 2009, 11:58pm,U2 tried to be personal. Jackson Browne always is. What could be more personal than listening to the audience call out what they want to hear?
November 12, 2009, 8:44pm,- ""Don't confront me with my failures--I have not forgotten them.""
November 10, 2009, 11:22pm,"is really enjoying the remnants of tropical storm IDA. After living in California for four years, he will never ever again complain about rain. Ever. Even tropical storm rain. Never."
November 9, 2009, 5:51pm,"""I don't remember you looking any better, but, then again, I don't remember you."""
November 6, 2009, 8:40pm,"- ""You're an island of reality in an ocean of diarrhea, and I love you..."""
November 1, 2009, 8:22pm,"moved in with his mom, and she's gotten him to start drinking."
November 1, 2009, 9:17am,can't handle any more weddings.
October 27, 2009, 1:52pm,is enjoying the deluge.
October 24, 2009, 12:46pm,"thinks it's strange to be at a family reunion and not be the youngest. Where did all these kids come from?? The stork has been busy, I guess."
October 8, 2009, 1:23pm,- Brutus got Newton.
October 6, 2009, 8:37pm,-POS AT&T network can't handle the crowd in the Georgia Dome.
October 6, 2009, 5:05pm,is about to eat dinner before seeing U2 in concert in Atlanta.
October 5, 2009, 3:07am,"is laying in bed at 3am, listening to the rain, well aware that he should have just gone to sleep a while ago."
September 15, 2009, 12:36pm,"didn't miss the Carolina Mosquitos, but clearly, they're glad he's back."
September 13, 2009, 1:51pm,"is the guy at The Organic Fest wearing the Cartman shirt that says, ""It's all a bunch of tree-hugging hippie crap."""
September 9, 2009, 4:22pm,saw a CD at Target called ""Classic Rock Ballads"" full of music from his childhood. This is appropriate for his upcoming thirtieth birthday.
September 9, 2009, 2:58pm,is seeing hail for the first time in a while.
September 8, 2009, 6:43pm,is enjoying a real thunderstorm with a real downpour.
September 4, 2009, 5:39pm,is wondering if there's still a drum circle in downtown Asheville on Friday nights.
September 4, 2009, 4:44pm,is trying to talk himself into hanging out in downtown Asheville... without much success.
August 31, 2009, 8:23pm,knew he was nearing home yesterday when he heard cicadas in the bushes and when he saw someone hit their brakes coming down a freeway on-ramp.
August 31, 2009, 3:39pm,is driving around Asheville looking for something to do.
August 31, 2009, 1:11am,is officially an Ashevillian again.
August 30, 2009, 2:28am,Is spending what's left of the night in Little Rock.
August 28, 2009, 12:48pm,is heading to the Grand Canyon.
August 28, 2009, 2:19am,"stopped for the night in Kingman, AZ."
August 26, 2009, 7:23pm,"will soon be loading up a car, heading back to Asheville."
August 15, 2009, 9:07pm,is counting down the days...
August 11, 2009, 3:52pm,thinks the wrong person got fired.
August 5, 2009, 7:13pm,is trying to figure out if he has any childhood heroes left...
July 31, 2009, 5:31pm,went home early and is going to *try* to catch up on some of the sleep he's worked through this week.
July 26, 2009, 10:24pm,is back in LA. It took two minutes and twenty seconds to get from the 110 to LAX.
July 26, 2009, 6:43pm,is in Denver for a short while.
July 26, 2009, 11:29am,is exhausted after a long wedding week.
July 26, 2009, 2:15am,is the DD for his step-Dad
July 25, 2009, 8:08pm,is realizing he finally overdosed on socialization early this morning.
July 25, 2009, 12:25am,is Sylar.
July 24, 2009, 12:31am,"is enjoying Grand Junction, CO."
July 23, 2009, 5:04pm,is tasting good wines.
July 23, 2009, 2:45am,is amazed he lasted this long on zero hours of sleep last night.
July 22, 2009, 12:04pm,"is alive. Apparently, you do NOT want the first meal out of McDonald's in the morning at LAX."
July 22, 2009, 8:34am,is breaking out in hives at a really bad time.
July 22, 2009, 6:55am,"is at LAX, waiting for it to open."
July 21, 2009, 11:46pm,hates hates hates prepping for travel.
July 9, 2009, 10:52am,"had a dream that he was a unicorn... no, not really... just galloping like a horse and holding up the head of a real unicorn on a stick so the cops would think he was really a unicorn. How freaking bizarre is that??"
July 6, 2009, 2:16pm,- Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they really aren't out to get you.
July 6, 2009, 1:00pm,- It's not paranoia if they really are out to get you.
June 28, 2009, 1:37am,is not human.
June 16, 2009, 1:13am,loves all the strange and unexpected places that will begin to itch when you break out in hives. He is also painfully aware that he would love them more IF THEY DIDN'T ITCH!
June 16, 2009, 12:11am,"believes he has finally narrowed down his hives-inducing allergy to excessive amounts of some wonderfully tasty cheeses. Apparently, Papa John's Tuscan pizza will do the trick. :("
June 15, 2009, 11:43pm,is realizing that just because his legs say that he can pedal really hard and fast up a hill doesn't mean that the REST of his body is up for it quite yet.
June 14, 2009, 4:10pm,is lost in translation.
June 13, 2009, 6:14pm,was here.
June 11, 2009, 12:15pm,"has figured out what his bird Newton did with his unexpected freedom all day yesterday: he pooped all over the bathroom, figured out how to climb down the shower curtain, and figured out how to fly BACK across the house."
June 10, 2009, 11:23pm,"is hoping he forgot to close his bird's cage this morning. The alternative is that his bird figured out how to get out. Fortunately, it appears nothing obvious has been destroyed."
June 10, 2009, 1:29am,wishes his hair were Emo so it would cut itself.
June 9, 2009, 3:40am,got married eleven years ago today. You'd think he'd be over it by now.
June 8, 2009, 12:33pm,is succumbing to a caffeine addiction all over again.
June 4, 2009, 8:16pm,"is trying to wake up his brain, but it's sound asleep... and snoring. loudly. even the neighbors can hear it."
June 3, 2009, 5:25pm,thinks the female population's fascination with ""Twilight"" just proves that girls don't really want ""The Nice Guy.""
June 3, 2009, 3:42pm,"really misses the Carolina thunderstorms. Rain in California is a joke, especially during the summer."
June 2, 2009, 5:03pm,"is wondering: if you don't get swine flu from eating pork, does that mean you won't get people flu if you eat people?"
June 1, 2009, 11:32pm,"- ""I don't know if I will ever trust again. It's a price that I must pay for all my sins. Time has changed me and left me full of doubt, and my heart may be lost, never to be found."" (Alison Krauss & Union Station, Poor Old Heart)"
June 1, 2009, 10:45pm,is sitting back and watching as his bird Newton is adjusting to the huge new cage.
May 30, 2009, 1:41am,"- I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind, got my paper, and I was free."
May 29, 2009, 12:06pm,thinks the word must be coming to an end. It's raining in California... in MAY!
May 28, 2009, 10:41pm,is an artificially intelligent instant messaging chatbot.
May 28, 2009, 2:09am,discovered how to delete root.
May 27, 2009, 3:21am,"is lying in bed, pondering quantum physics. No, really."
May 26, 2009, 10:08pm,"would like to apologize to the rest of humanity on behalf of The State of California citizens and voters for the human rights atrocity that was committed today in the name of democracy and majority rule. Clearly, we do not deserve our stereotype as the ü"
May 26, 2009, 8:06pm,"thinks we should have state-sanctioned wedding vows that say something like, ""as a wife, under god, beneath my husband, since men are better than women, in heterosexual same-race Christianity until Jesus takes us to heaven in the rapture!"" This will prop"
May 25, 2009, 9:28pm,just watched the Terminator movie and loved it. Now he just has to survive the bike ride home.
May 25, 2009, 6:11pm,- Newton just figured out he can land on top of the blinds. This is going to make life interesting from now on.
May 25, 2009, 7:24am,"could have sworn he was just awakened by another earthquake, but the USGS has yet to report anything."
May 23, 2009, 2:04am,is in a weird mood and could go for a hug... or a smile.
May 21, 2009, 8:54pm,is looking to sucker someone into taking him to see the Terminator movie tonight.
May 21, 2009, 2:39pm,just does not understand why iChat needs so freaking much RAM just to show me three tiny windows.
May 20, 2009, 4:30pm,"- why, oh why, didn't I take the BLUE pill?"
May 19, 2009, 6:54pm,"thinks that counted as an aftershock, since it came from practically the same place."
May 19, 2009, 6:52pm,is wondering if that counted as an aftershock.
May 17, 2009, 11:41pm,"- That earthquake was small, but it scared the bejesus out of my bird, Newton."
May 15, 2009, 8:11pm,"- ""A metaphysician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there, and a theologian is one who find the cat."""
May 13, 2009, 8:01pm,God I want to dream again. Take me where I've never been. I want to go there. This time I'm not scared.
May 13, 2009, 5:43pm,wishes he could be a fan of ""fans.""
May 13, 2009, 12:25am,misses Carolina peaches. The peaches available here in California just aren't remotely as good.
May 10, 2009, 11:48pm,misses the days when he could bring his bird with him to Taco Bell but thinks it's worth it to allow Newton to fly around the house.
May 9, 2009, 1:19am,"thought the Star Trek movie rocked, but also thought it a little weird that Winona Ryder played Spock's mother."
May 8, 2009, 12:26am,hopes the Benedryl kicks in soon.
May 8, 2009, 12:14am,hates allergic reactions he doesn't understand.
May 6, 2009, 9:00pm,loves work. He can sit and watch it allllll day.
May 5, 2009, 3:02am,thinks the TV show ""Cupid"" is adorable. :)
May 4, 2009, 4:45pm,says Happy Star Wars Day! May the 4th be with you!
May 4, 2009, 11:34am,had a blast exploring NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory on Saturday.
May 2, 2009, 4:25pm,is at JPL!
May 1, 2009, 2:18am,is dumbfounded. His bird said ""sorry"" after biting him!
April 29, 2009, 12:27pm,say: Drink from the carton; it's better for the environment.
April 29, 2009, 12:00am,has nothing interesting to tell you about. Go back to filling up everyone else's facebook pages with useless notifications about irrelevant stuff.
April 28, 2009, 1:01pm,"was invited to support the cause ""Focus on the Family,"" but he feels it's a twisted view of a several-millennia-old morality (they don't support stoning disrespectful children). This would conflict with his emphatic vote against proposition 8 and his mor"
April 27, 2009, 7:02pm,gets really frustrated when people who don't know what they are talking about argue as if they did and are incapable of being reasoned with.
April 26, 2009, 4:52pm,is sharing spaghetti with his bird.
April 25, 2009, 11:16pm,is trying to pick the capers out of his teeth with his tongue.
April 25, 2009, 3:59pm,has an evil attack parrot who enjoys assaulting visitors.
April 24, 2009, 3:42pm,loves paydays.
April 24, 2009, 2:59am,is going to watch some Heroes on his iPhone until he passes out.
April 24, 2009, 12:57am,4 8 15 16 23 42 EXECUTE
April 24, 2009, 12:22am,is waking back up after a nice long nap.
April 23, 2009, 8:03pm,is realizing his bird is a little demon.
April 23, 2009, 3:01am,is almost too sleepy to get up and turn off the lights.
April 23, 2009, 1:48am,thinks Bella should have wound up with Jake.
April 22, 2009, 11:47pm,"is wishing Nickel Creek would get back together. While Chris Thile kicks some serious mandolin ass on his own, the three of them are much better as a group."
April 22, 2009, 3:04am,"doesn't miss being a computer technician. Seeing how computers are put together and figuring out why they are broken can be fun, but eventually, it no longer supplies the mental stimulation. There are only so many different things that can go wrong with"
April 21, 2009, 10:57pm,"is at home, sweltering in the lingering heat, enduring the f'ing sting of sweat, hoping this evening will be better than the last."
April 21, 2009, 6:53pm,is thinking in C++... and regular expressions... and ANLTR-style EBNF.
April 20, 2009, 12:39pm,is enjoying the cold air from the air conditioner as it blows across his face.
April 19, 2009, 6:48pm,is thinking he might buy an air conditioner with his tax refund.
April 17, 2009, 11:26am,can hear the Long Beach Grand Prix two towns away.
April 16, 2009, 1:04pm,I ‚ô£ baby seals.
April 16, 2009, 12:27pm,What's on my mind? 14psi--or one atmosphere.
April 15, 2009, 6:39pm,is home early because the power went out at the office. Strong wind will do that.
April 15, 2009, 1:51am,"hates being an adult, but did his taxes anyway, and now he's wishing he'd done them earlier."
April 9, 2009, 8:08pm,hears people will be eating the remains of a dead telepathic zombie genie this weekend.
April 9, 2009, 1:01pm,rode his bike to work today.
April 8, 2009, 12:11am,"""You don't have to save me, but I am going to love you for the rest of my life, so things would be a lot better for me if you were around."""
April 6, 2009, 1:26pm,wants you to join their Mafia: http://apps.facebook.com/inthemafia/status_invite.php?from=593468543
April 5, 2009, 2:41am,is at RHPS for the first time in a long time.
April 3, 2009, 4:00pm,cogito eggo sum: I think I am a waffle.
April 3, 2009, 3:10am,is a figment of your imagination.
April 2, 2009, 11:42am,"would like to clear up a few things after his April Fools joke: He's not getting back together with his ex, they aren't going to have kids, and he only inferred who the other guy was."
April 1, 2009, 1:57pm,is getting back together with his ex-wife. She's leaving the husband she left Hank for and promises she'll never cheat again. For real this time.
March 27, 2009, 11:43am,is preparing for his dad to visit.
March 25, 2009, 11:53am,My mind is empty at the moment. Sorry to bore you with news of nothing.
March 24, 2009, 7:37pm,wants you to join their Mafia: http://apps.facebook.com/inthemafia/status_invite.php?from=593468543
March 24, 2009, 2:31am,is at a bar on a work night
March 24, 2009, 12:09am,A long time ago in a galaxy not so far away...
March 21, 2009, 1:16am,is one day into being weened off the old happy pills so he can try something different. Maybe going back on the caffeine would make his life easier.
March 20, 2009, 10:08pm,just got a bike and wore himself out riding it home. He's going to start riding it to work so people will laugh at him.
March 17, 2009, 12:27pm,is on his fourth day of kicking his caffeine addiction and feels like shit.
March 15, 2009, 10:06pm,is out for the LSD show
March 13, 2009, 5:07am,"really enjoyed the ending of the ""Twilight"" series, but it's *definitely* no ""Harry Potter."""
March 12, 2009, 5:17pm,thinks ""Renesme"" is a silly name
March 10, 2009, 8:50pm,"finally has his California driver's license, even though he moved here four years ago. Oh well."
March 10, 2009, 6:22pm,is waiting at the DMV
March 9, 2009, 11:26pm,is getting caught up on Battlestar Galactica
March 7, 2009, 11:05pm,is Peter Petrelli
March 6, 2009, 5:10am,thinks Edward Cullen pales in comparison to Jacob Black
March 5, 2009, 11:36pm,is waiting for a pulled pork dinner. He hopes it's good
March 4, 2009, 6:12pm,is (confidential)
March 4, 2009, 12:50pm,is trying to drag himself out of bed
March 4, 2009, 4:38am,"just hopes the double dose of Benedryl kicks in before the last ten percent of his nerve endings start itching, too. He also hopes it doesn't keep him from..."
March 4, 2009, 4:19am,hates breaking out in hives--especially since he hasn't figured out what causes it
March 4, 2009, 2:02am,is thinking about Skittles and wondering why they DON'T have all the colors of the rainbow
March 1, 2009, 3:53am,is thrilled that his bird is saying ""hafta go potty"" when he needs to go potty.
February 26, 2009, 2:26am,shouldn't go grocery shopping while depressed. He winds up buying too much chocolate.
February 25, 2009, 1:24am,is pretending to be high... alone at home... does that make him a poser-junkie?
February 24, 2009, 11:16pm,is making his monthly visit to Chick-fil-A
February 24, 2009, 7:54pm,is learning ANTLR
February 22, 2009, 11:51pm,is several chapters into ""New Moon."" Why does he keep doing this to himself when his meds run out?
February 18, 2009, 10:00pm,is spooky action at a distance.
February 14, 2009, 9:03am,is grumbling about Valentine's Day
February 12, 2009, 3:48pm,is wearing his atheist t-shirt today in honor of our ""god's"" 200th birthday.
February 8, 2009, 12:13am,is hanging out at a dueling piano bar
February 7, 2009, 3:55pm,"has a splitting migraine, and the carpet cleaning van next door is NOT helping"
February 6, 2009, 2:16am,is amused that his bird thinks saying ""hafta go potty"" means he wants out of his cage
February 4, 2009, 1:30pm,usually wakes up several hours after he gets out of bed.
February 4, 2009, 5:43am,stayed up too late reading
February 1, 2009, 11:30pm,hears there's something going on. Dinner plate. Supper dish. Soup bowl
January 31, 2009, 2:51am,"is headed to a bar. No, really. I swear. Well, okay. He's not drinking--like always"
January 27, 2009, 4:54am,"just finished watching ""Superbad,"" and it was... mostly worse and a little bit better than expected"
January 26, 2009, 12:33pm,is trying to drag himself out of bed
January 25, 2009, 6:03pm,still doesn't have his voice back from... uh... never mind.
January 24, 2009, 3:08pm,is headed to San Diego for the day
January 24, 2009, 4:41am,feels like crap
January 22, 2009, 2:05am,is giving Twilight a second chance-if his bird will stop chewing the book
January 20, 2009, 11:22pm,got to see his niece via web cam today
January 17, 2009, 2:10pm,shall forevermore be known as ""Uncle Hank.""
January 17, 2009, 11:29am,is going to become an uncle today
January 16, 2009, 10:17pm,may have to stop reading Twilight if it stays this... ""romantic.""
January 16, 2009, 1:29am,is getting depressed reading ""Twilight.""
January 15, 2009, 12:37am,"is reading ""Twilight."" No, really"
January 13, 2009, 7:26pm,is not ready for this heat. 83° is too much for January.
January 11, 2009, 9:27pm,is watching ""2001: A Space Odyssey."" He tried to watch it as a kid but fell asleep a half an hour in. Maybe he'll stay awake through it this time.
January 1, 2009, 11:40pm,is back in Los Angeles
January 1, 2009, 6:27pm,is FINALLY boarding his 4:30 flight out of Charlotte
January 1, 2009, 4:42pm,is killing time waiting for a delayed flight
January 1, 2009, 4:05pm,is having barbecue at the airport before leaving The South
January 1, 2009, 1:01am,is in 2009 on The East Coast
December 30, 2008, 11:13am,is running out of time in North Carolina
December 27, 2008, 4:26pm,is headed to Tennessee to look at puppies
December 26, 2008, 1:11am,is missing Newton on his first birthday
December 25, 2008, 8:00pm,made it to Charlotte but still has to drive to Asheville
December 25, 2008, 3:23pm,is beginning to hate flying. It's not the planes themselves--rather the stress and anxiety involved in airports
December 25, 2008, 2:45pm,will be boarding a plane shortly
December 25, 2008, 1:42am,figures it's Christmas on the East Coast
December 16, 2008, 8:39pm,thought ""Portal"" was a mind-numbingly easy puzzle game.
December 15, 2008, 12:24pm,really enjoyed sleeping to the sound of rain
December 13, 2008, 11:18pm,"is proof that adults really CAN do what they want. He made a peanut butter, nutella, and marshmallow cream sandwitch."
December 13, 2008, 6:48pm,just heard the ice cream truck drive by.
December 11, 2008, 5:39am,"is not at all surprised that his two worst matches on Flixster are his own brothers, but he is surprised that his best match is his friend's wife."
December 11, 2008, 3:49am,will be feeling much better once he gets his happy pills replaced.
December 10, 2008, 4:49pm,is feeling a bit moody today
December 9, 2008, 1:40am,is wasting time at Barnes and Noble
December 3, 2008, 2:40pm,"is really happy to have been able to spend a lot of time with Newton last night. Newton is really happy about that, too."
December 2, 2008, 12:59am,is back in Los Angeles but can't get his bird until tomorrow
December 1, 2008, 7:42pm,is on an airplane
December 1, 2008, 7:27pm,is about to get on a long flight to Los Angeles
December 1, 2008, 3:54pm,is headed back to California
December 1, 2008, 12:44am,doesn't think there's a mouse in his mom's new tree. It's just needles being rustled by the vent the tree is sitting on
November 30, 2008, 6:45pm,"'s mother thinks he should look to date someone he grew up with. Hank thinks it's a lost cause. At least, he thinks he does"
November 29, 2008, 5:16pm,"is bored watching football games with the family. Someone just won, someone else just lost, and I don't have a clue what my dad and brother are talking..."
November 28, 2008, 6:10pm,just had some great barbecue
November 28, 2008, 3:43pm,"will be headed to Charlotte, shortly"
November 27, 2008, 11:55pm,is glad he didn't have to watch any football games today
November 25, 2008, 7:43pm,is headed for Chinese food
November 25, 2008, 4:13pm,went to six different gates across three terminals before the plane finally showed up
November 25, 2008, 9:29am,is not used to boarding the plane BEFORE sunrise. LAX sunrises are so... industrial
November 25, 2008, 8:43am,was amazed by the stupid people in line at security today
November 25, 2008, 7:25am,pulled another freaking all-nighter before his flight
November 25, 2008, 3:38am,should probably start packing sometime soon.
November 24, 2008, 9:30pm,is frustrated with how much airlines charge to bring pets with you when you travel.
November 24, 2008, 2:36am,does not enjoy leaving his bird behind when he goes out of town.
November 23, 2008, 12:13am,is hating the caffeine withdrawal headache.
November 17, 2008, 4:45pm,is watching the ashes fall like snow flurries
November 17, 2008, 12:13am,is safely in Long Beach
November 16, 2008, 7:13pm,is pretending that his Facebook friends care that he's getting on the plane
November 16, 2008, 6:53pm,is not looking forward to the smoky 90 degree weather of Southern California
November 16, 2008, 5:00pm,is headed to the airport
November 16, 2008, 2:21pm,is at the Field Museum
November 16, 2008, 11:55am,is going out to play in Chicago
November 16, 2008, 9:37am,doesn't want to get out of bed
November 15, 2008, 7:47pm,is at the last evening of the convention
November 15, 2008, 6:07pm,is thawing off at The House of Blues
November 15, 2008, 12:03pm,is hoping to see some snow today in Chicago
November 14, 2008, 10:09pm,is reading at Panera in downtown Chicago
November 14, 2008, 11:39am,does not enjoy getting up early in the morning-especially when jet-lagged
November 13, 2008, 5:44pm,is going to the top of the Sears Tower
November 13, 2008, 3:07pm,is in a cab headed to downtown Chicago
November 13, 2008, 10:39am,is headed to Chicago
November 13, 2008, 9:44am,apparently overestimated the insanity of the line. Breakfast is a good thing
November 13, 2008, 9:18am,is standing in an insanely long security line
November 13, 2008, 8:13am,is wondering why he keeps pulling all-nighters for early morning flights
November 13, 2008, 1:46am,is leaving for the airport at 4am
November 10, 2008, 11:43pm,is enjoying the Southern comfort food that is Chick-fil-A
November 10, 2008, 10:01pm,is in first gear on the freeway. I guess this is LA traffic
November 9, 2008, 4:55pm,"just found out about Michael Crichton. He figures he needs to find a new favorite author, now."
November 8, 2008, 8:42pm,is spending yet another weekend alone with his bird. He should probably make an effort to actually get out and interact with society. Hmmm...
November 8, 2008, 8:42pm,is spending yet another weekend alone with his bird.
November 7, 2008, 1:56am,"didn't get motion sick playing Descent twelve years ago, so why does it make him sick now?"
November 5, 2008, 11:52pm,is making those who voted ""yes"" on Prop. 8 his Holy Crusade du Jour
November 4, 2008, 10:10pm,will never understand why people vote Republican.
November 4, 2008, 9:55pm,is moving to Canada if another freaking suicidal conservative gets elected.
November 4, 2008, 9:18pm,thinks this already looks like a landslide election.
November 2, 2008, 4:29am,is tired of spending every weekend alone.
October 30, 2008, 12:44pm,is walking to work in the rain!
October 28, 2008, 2:06am,got motion sick driving around a boat in Half Life 2 on a 30"" computer monitor.
October 26, 2008, 9:20pm,is excited that Newton is learning to fly!
October 21, 2008, 7:14pm,is going to the Psychonomics convention in Chicago in early November
October 19, 2008, 10:34am,"is home with Newton, but still a bit tired"
October 19, 2008, 2:37am,"is home, but still misses his bird"
October 18, 2008, 11:53pm,"is waiting for luggage, but really just wants to stretch"
October 18, 2008, 11:43pm,is in Los Angeles
October 18, 2008, 7:23pm,will be on a bigger plane momentarily
October 18, 2008, 6:55pm,is in line for BBQ in Memphis
October 18, 2008, 4:47pm,is headed home
October 18, 2008, 4:39pm,will be on a plane soon
October 18, 2008, 3:36pm,is eating airport food
October 18, 2008, 2:06pm,will be heading to the Charlotte Airport shortly
October 18, 2008, 9:15am,didn't expect to be cold in Durham
October 16, 2008, 11:44pm,"was going to make a stupid comment about being in Orange County, but apparently Durham is not in Orange County"
October 16, 2008, 5:15pm,is at a Starbuck's somewhere near Durham. Apparently their Sorbetto drinks are only available in SoCal
October 16, 2008, 10:20am,is heading to Durham today
October 15, 2008, 11:15pm,is being reminded that TV commercials get tiring very quickly
October 15, 2008, 10:21pm,is watching the candidates dodge questions
October 14, 2008, 12:54am,is not the same person he was a week ago
October 12, 2008, 9:31pm,has learned a lot about himself over the past week
October 12, 2008, 3:37am,feels like a life-saver after his reunion experiences
October 11, 2008, 8:35pm,is at Tressa's with the rest of the class
October 11, 2008, 9:20am,"is still half asleep, but his mom won't let him go back to sleep"
October 10, 2008, 2:38pm,is about to head to Asheville
October 9, 2008, 8:03pm,finally made it to Charlotte
October 9, 2008, 4:14pm,apparently missed his flight by one minute
October 8, 2008, 11:05pm,is loving the sound of rain
October 8, 2008, 10:07pm,is trying to figure out where his headaches are coming from
October 8, 2008, 4:55pm,"is sitting at his sister's house, surfing the web, while everyone else is out making their monies."
October 8, 2008, 2:14pm,is in a boat on Upper Saranac Lake
October 7, 2008, 1:16pm,made a wonderful woman very very happy on the flight to Detroit
October 7, 2008, 1:37am,is amazed at how much his ears are ringing. He hasn't heard silence like this since... He's not sure
October 6, 2008, 8:21pm,"is in Detroit, but why?"
October 6, 2008, 3:20pm,is on a plane to Detroit
October 6, 2008, 2:13pm,is at an expensive airport restaurant
October 5, 2008, 11:56pm,is really going to miss his bird for the next two weeks. :(
October 3, 2008, 11:29pm,is excited that it's supposed to rain tomorrow. He hasn't seen rain in about six months.
October 2, 2008, 12:50pm,can't brain today. He has the dumb.
October 1, 2008, 10:04pm,has to stop working because the power went out. The computer won't run forever on the UPS
September 30, 2008, 8:31pm,"nearly melted today, it's so freaking hot. Wtf is up with 102° by the Pacific in the fall?"
September 28, 2008, 6:18pm,lives by the beach.
September 27, 2008, 5:43pm,is still amused that his coworkers consider him the safest driver at the office.
September 26, 2008, 9:38pm,is watching the debate streaming over the internet via C-SPAN while making sure that his restore from backup is working.
September 26, 2008, 8:20pm,is giving his paycheck to the biggest bank to ever fail.
September 26, 2008, 6:24pm,is standing in line at the genius bar. damn hard drives.
September 26, 2008, 11:58am,"is panicking about WaMu! Oh, wait, I'm already broke, so I guess I'm not affected."
September 26, 2008, 1:31am,wishes he could take his bird with him on his trip to the east coast.
September 24, 2008, 4:38pm,thought Heroes could have been better.
September 24, 2008, 4:37pm,thought Heros could have been better.
September 22, 2008, 7:40pm,is looking forward to the Heroes premier.
September 17, 2008, 9:45pm,
September 17, 2008, 3:13am,is 29 and not happy about it.
September 16, 2008, 11:31am,woke up thinking it's Monday.
September 15, 2008, 7:47am,should have gone to sleep long ago.
September 13, 2008, 2:24am,has nothing better to do.
September 12, 2008, 11:40am,has updated his iPhone and hopes it works now.
September 9, 2008, 8:04pm,is bummed he has to wait until Friday for the iPhone software fixes.
September 8, 2008, 7:14pm,is melting in the sweltering heat at the office with broken AC.
September 7, 2008, 7:09pm,is not in right now. please leave your name and number at the beep. .
September 2, 2008, 5:54pm,is testing out Google's new Web Browser!
September 2, 2008, 12:45pm,is wondering where the weekend went.
August 30, 2008, 8:24pm,is awake.
August 29, 2008, 11:03pm,is watching the speeches from the DNC.
August 23, 2008, 12:15am,agrees with REM: ""It's easier to leave than to be left behind.""
August 21, 2008, 5:34am,"is pissed that his iPhone managed to brick itself again, even after a complete wipe last night. Grrrr... Apple fucked up BIG time with iPhone 2.0."
August 18, 2008, 5:55pm,loves that he's no longer a freak. An atheist liberal Mac user fits in perfectly in California.
August 16, 2008, 10:55pm,says the vertigo is not an earthquake--this time.
August 16, 2008, 12:01am,is having a housewarming party tomorrow (Saturday).
August 9, 2008, 11:58pm,hates the migraine-inducing heat.
July 29, 2008, 3:13am,is pretending to be asleep.
July 22, 2008, 1:01pm,gives free hugs.

Why I Can't Stop Crying

I've just finished reading the first chapter of the third book in the Ender's Game series. I can't stop crying. It's seven pages about characters of whom I know nothing, and yet I can't stop crying. I even put the book down and went off to do other stuff, and I still can't stop crying. Why? Because in seven pages, I realized that the dream I've long since given up on is the ideal that makes marriage so perfect for so many people, and it's a happiness I am afraid I am doomed to live without. In seven pages, I saw a man's intellectual and philosophical dependence on his wife--a dependence that I have never been capable of relinquishing because I do not trust people to be correct. I do not trust people to not screw things up. But if I cannot trust the woman I love to be competent, then how can I completely love her? How could I ever truly depend on her? How could I ever commune with her at all? If I see most everyone as inferior to myself, if I see her as inferior to myself, then the only love I can ever experience is a small slice of the whole--an appetizer. It's a taste of what could be, and it only serves to whet my appetite for something more. The more I learn, I realize I've settled in the past. I've settled for less than I deserve. It's not about beauty or attractiveness. It's not about what she does for me or what I do for her. It's about whether it's even possible for one to understand what the other desires to convey. If this cannot be achieved in both directions, the relationship is doomed to failure for at least one will find this to be an unbearably lonely existence, where not even the person you share your life with can comprehend your desires, curiosities, whims, theories, confusions, joys, bursts of insight, or even the reasons for why you feel you are not understood.

If I ever do find this, I will fight to the death to keep it. In seven pages, we see this. If she were to ever die, there would surely be nothing left worth living for.

From last night's movie: "WITHOUT YOU, I'm as lonely as an abandoned dog on the side of a highway. ... I declare now that I will give my life to you, and if you fail to come to me, I know some part of me will surely die."

I die a little every day. And so I cry.

100 Girls

"WITHOUT YOU, I'm as lonely as an abandoned dog on the side of a highway. I have gift anxiety, even though I don't know when your birthday is. We can spend perfect days shopping and cooking together. I swear I'll never make wisecracks when you scrape your tires against the curb while parallel parking. If you consent to live with me, I'll clean the toilet every week--I'll do it with my tongue if you ask. I will strike the words "hooters" and "love rockets" from my vocabulary. I'll love you, even if your name is Mimi and you want me to pronounce it May-may. I will only pass gas under the covers and only the direst of circumstances. I'll go on a low cholesterol diet, and I won't buy one of those red sports cars when I reach my mid-life crisis. Your parents can come visit us every week--even if your mom is a big witch with a capital "B." You know, and your parents don't have to live in a retirement home because they can come live with us. I declare: I will separate the whites from the colors. I'll learn the mysteries of hot water and cold water washes. I'll never huff and puff while waiting for you to put on your makeup. If you're a cat person, I'll never point out that a dog can save your life from drowning but a cat can't. I will happily go see chic-flicks with you, like "Pride and Prejudice." I'll make a point to try new foods like okra gumbo. I won't curl my nose at vegetables whose awful taste is disguised by putting cheese on it. I pledge to always say "yes" when you ask, "Is my hair looking okay tonight?" I'm going to bring a whole new meaning to the word "cuddle." I'll be thoughtful enough to read your horoscope every day. I'm going to save every birthday card you send me, and I'll actually write you real letters when we're apart. I'm never going to expect you to remember where I left my car keys, and I'll never leave my socks on the floor. With me, you'll find the cap is always on the toothpaste. I'll start wearing those male bikini underwears if you like. My belly button will always be lint-free. I want to full-on kiss your clitoris. It will be the most passionate, intimate experience you've ever have. I declare now that I will give my life to you, and if you fail to come to me, I know some part of me will surely die."

---------------------------------------------------

I just finished watching this movie, and I believe it's unexpectedly going high on my list of all-time favorites. I streamed it from Netflix online expecting to watch some brainless romantic comedy, but I was amazed at how philosophical a movie it truly is. In my mind, it properly defined the power struggle between real men and real women: it defined old-school feminism from the humanist male's perspective.

Furthermore, I really enjoyed this movie's one sex scene. Every other movie I've seen portrays it as either an object to be acquired or some "beautiful romantic perfection." The reality is that the beauty, romanticism, and perfection is in the *reality* of the humor, noises, messiness, pleasure, and utter intimacy of the clumsiness that comes with familiarizing yourself with someone else's body.

This movie represents romantic love as I see it and as I delude myself into believing that I've experienced it. We all fall in love with an ideal just to find out this ideal is NOT the person we're with... and then we fall in love with the reality.

Performing Noble Service to Aid Society

I was told recently that I have missed my life's calling and that I am wise beyond my years. While it's a wonderful compliment and nice to think about, the topic of discussion is why this experience has meant so much to me. I spent an evening talking with an old classmate and spouse about their marriage. One of them even said I had given more useful advice than any of the people they had paid.

I'm not writing to discuss their marriage. The issues in their marriage are between them. I'm writing about myself. I recently took a two week trip to the east coast, and this is one of several eye-opening and self-validating experiences I had along the way.

I went back home for my ten year high school reunion. Traveling from Los Angeles to Asheville, NC, I held the record this time around for greatest distance traveled to get to the reunion. On top of this, I also held the record for most divorces (at two). Of course everyone asked me how I like California, and the response that I gave was that I fit in better out here--being a liberal, an atheist, and a relatively aggressive driver. As the two-day event went on, eventually I realized that this is actually not true.

What's really been vexing me since then, though, is why. In attempting to pin down a specific reason for this feeling, the best I've been able to elucidate is my difficulty in finding community out here. While my general philosophies fit in better out here, I still find myself alone and without a true friend nearly four years in. Furthermore, I haven't been single this long since early in high school. My theory is that Los Angeles is full of so many materialistic users-of-people that every initial meeting has an artificial barrier of distrust and uneasiness that must be slowly broken down over time; anything that makes you look exceptionally friendly, open, intelligent, or trustworthy is assumed to be a front--an attempt to portray yourself as something you truly aren't in order to position yourself better to take advantage of someone less guarded.

Or perhaps after marrying a woman who wasn't the person she portrayed and having her cheat and leave me for another man, maybe I'm the one distrusting and guarded. (Who needs therapy when you have a blog, eh?)

Spending time with my classmates helped to remind me of whom I really am. I went to school with these people from middle school to high school, so they were present for the most profound example of self-discovery I've had in my entire life: I'm smart. As stated unprompted by one of my classmates, I'm "the smartest guy in our class." You may be reading this and thinking that I'm arrogant or egotistical for just bringing it up, but my intelligence is one of many defining characteristics. With my class mates, I don't have to prove this. To my own initial surprise at the time, I already have... over and over again. If anything, my biggest dream for the past ten years has been to show up at the reunion and prove that this isn't all I am. I never imagined that I would show up to my reunion alone, but I can't imagine how I could have differentiated myself better if I had not been alone.


I bought a book many years ago when I originally began learning about the Myers-Briggs typology. The description of my type was, "performing noble service to aid society." For many years, I did not truly understand, and I even felt a little like a failure to my own personality type. In the past year, I've realized that I've been doing this all along, but I do it under a different guise: I'm a rescuer and a protector. I've always been one to keep an eye open when I see people in sticky situations, ready to offer help in whatever way I can.

This is actually the one thing I loved most about my five-year job at Radio Shack. I regularly got to help people understand things that they otherwise wouldn't have had a chance to understand. It was a commission-based job, but I'm not a sales person. I was unwilling to jump through the company's hoops and pressure customers into completely unrelated gimmicks. Unfortunately, this meant I was never paid well, but I loved it anyway.

My "noble service" has always been something I do for an individual. For me, it's like improving society one random act of kindness at a time. I don't do laundry for people, mow lawns for my neighbors, volunteer at the homeless shelter, or even help old ladies cross the street. I do, however, put money in expired parking meters, smile and wave at little kids, fix random broken things, and I do my best to make sure the stranger sitting next to me on the plane is as comfortable as possible. For this most recent trip, that involved talking with woman for hours and sharing the music on my iPhone with her. I even managed to find a pair of artists that spoke to her so perfectly that she cried to the lyrics of the songs (that would be The Indigo Girls).

There was enough about her that made this a non-starter as far as a romantic relationship is concerned (she lives on the far side of the continent, has a kid, and is married). If it weren't for all of this, I think we each would have been interested in the other, and this was surprising. It's been a really really long time since I've felt that kind of mutual interest, and it really meant a lot to me. Furthermore, this experience also reminded me of the fact that I have been completely unsuccessful in finding someone with whom I share my basic philosophical beliefs. The people I get along best with are those least likely to also be atheists, as people driven by emotion are the least likely to subscribe to a logical philosophy that implies that as part of the universe, we truly are small and meaningless in the grand scheme of things.


My two distinct rescue attempts at my class reunion both represent the epitome of me, and both are events that the "rescued" would probably prefer I not divulge in detail (one is not discussed at all). As I mentioned in a blog entry nearly two years ago, I'm aware that my habit of rescuing people has gotten me into relationships that probably shouldn't have lasted remotely as long as they did. I've learned that while the people I help out are exceptionally grateful, and women love a man that has come to her rescue, this is definitely not a good way to start a long-term relationship.

Despite the detail that an incredibly small number of people experienced this side of me at the reunion, I still feel like this counts as success. Regardless of whether anyone ever mentions anything again, I know I made a big difference in several people's lives--at least for a little while, and that has made all the difference to me.

Sex Before Marriage

Waiting until marriage is a deal-breaker for me. It's illogical. I'll wait until we're ready, be it weeks, months, or years, but I'm not going to "wait until marriage."

For some people, the argument of "sexual compatibility" is used against waiting for marriage. This is the belief that two people could find themselves sexually incompatible and wind up getting divorced over that. I find this to be utter nonsense and inapplicable to the situation at hand. People that pose this argument clearly do not consider sex to be an expression of love. The argument degrades sex to the level of bodily function and degrades the other person to nothing more than a sexual object, which in turn means that marriage is not done for love but for ownership, financial reasons, or nearly guaranteed paternity.

From this view on sex comes the idea that sex outside of marriage is a Bad Thing™, and this has the unfortunate side-effect of placing a stigma on sex in general. Ironically, this also means that people get married when they aren't socially compatible--as opposed to the common argument of sexual compatibility. Because of this stigma, people who are having sex wind up feeling bad about it and wind up being pressured to get married when they really shouldn't be getting married.

People who are waiting for marriage to have sex are not exempt from this pressure--it just comes from a different angle. Instead of the shame of sex outside of marriage, they deal with the pressure of getting married so they can have sex. The human mind is wonderful at rationalizing in order to get the results it desires. Personally, before having sex with a woman, I twice convinced myself that I did actually want to marry her (and followed through with it both times).

I completely respect the desire not to be one who sleeps around--I have the same desire--but I must respectfully disagree with the Christian concept of waiting for marriage, and I especially despise the shame that comes with it--both on a logical and personal level. Sex is not a bad thing--it's a wonderful, beautiful thing, and for me, it's a way of showing a woman just how special she is to me. It's a way of showing that I do care about her and value her more than anyone else, but anyone would be a fool to believe that the act of sex is limited to this.

Off the meds...

Due to unusual circumstances, I've been off my medication for nearly two weeks. Since the vertigo is gone, I'm starting to believe that I've moved past the withdrawal symptoms, and I've become the real "me." I have a ridiculously bad memory when it comes to subtle details like this, but I don't really remember what it was like *before* the antianxiety medication. Therefore, sometimes I wonder if it's still doing anything for me.

I do remember that within an hour of taking my first dose three years ago, I was the happiest I have ever been in my life. For the first time ever, I was enjoying being out, driving around town alone. I actually went to the mall and enjoyed it. It was the strangest experience--wanting to go to the mall. Granted, all I got was a few Godiva truffles, but that's not the point. Several years before, I walked into Concord Mills the week before Christmas, as I had been dreading doing my shopping. Five minutes in (I hadn't even gotten to a store), I couldn't handle the people and turned around to leave. I remember being proud of myself in high school for actually going to a movie theater alone. I wasn't sure why I was proud of myself, but I was.

As I said, I've been off my meds now for nearly two weeks. Some of my coworkers can tell within a few days that I'm off my meds, which just seems strange to me, since *I* can't tell that quickly. I could, however, tell a difference this weekend (and a wee bit through last week). I had all day yesterday to go refill my prescription, but I couldn't make myself walk to my car and drive to the pharmacy. I just couldn't do it. It's the exact same sense of impending doom that made me leave the mall. I know there's nothing to be afraid of, but I just couldn't make myself stand up and go.

Strangely, though, I feel that being *on* the meds isn't much better. I suppose I just haven't found the right SSRI for me. Lexapro was nice, but its effectiveness wore off after time. Effexor (what I'm on now) is better with the anxiety, but it doesn't get me through an entire day... and it comes with a sometimes unbearable depression. Unfortunately, I switched medications about the time my wife left me, so I really have had no way of knowing if it's the fault of the medication. That is, until now, I guess.

In March, I hit what I considered to be "rock bottom." I think anyone would agree that staying at the office, playing video games until two or three in the morning, just to go home, get a few hours of sleep, and be back by about nine the next morning counts as "having a problem." So, I forced myself; I gave myself a reason to go home.

I got a bird. Dogs and cats are too easy. You don't have to do anything for them to like you. Birds, on the other hand, are not mammals, and they are prey animals. Therefore, it takes effort to get a parrot to open up to you or to people in general. I wanted an animal that made *me* feel special, and having a parrot that likes me does just that.

Ultimately, what I really want(ed) is another person, but that has been out of my reach for too long. Having a pet satisfies the minimalistic desires for a warm body and minimal communication, but it's also generally better than a human for attention (that is, if attention is what you want).


Anyway... while I couldn't bring myself to go refill my meds, I am going to go watch a movie. It's depressing to spend an entire weekend alone. It's depressing not to be able to call a friend to hang out. It's depressing to find myself crying at every reference to anything remotely emotional in some old TV show. It's depressing. So, I'm going to go sit in a likely empty movie theater alone for the next few hours, as at least then, I can escape from my own depressing reality and pretend that I'm in someone else's depressing reality, where at least they have love.


Damn, I need a hug. No, not just a hug... I feel like sobbing into the nape of someone's neck, drenching her hair, wishing things were different. It's not very macho or manly, but I've never claimed (nor have I ever wanted) to be.

INFJ Redux

Last year, I wrote a blog entry about whether I might actually be an INFJ instead of an INFP. I took the test again, and yet again, it scored me as an INFJ.

This is the only test that has consistently scored me as an INFJ. After extensive research, I have come to the conclusion that it is WRONG, despite the fact that I read the descriptions last night of the INFP and INFJ in the one book I have and found it shocking that I agreed with the INFJ description MORE. Oddly, though, I found actual INFPs and INFJs online saying that non INFXs have their own preconceived notions of what we're supposed to be like, and it's impossible to convince them that they are wrong, since they "have more experience than [we do]."

There are two key distinctions between INFPs and INFJs that I've found, and BOTH put me solidly in the INFP camp.

1: INFPs use an informing method of speech, where INFJs use a directing form. i.e. I'll say, "I'm hungry," where an INFJ would say, "let's eat." People with the directing preference think of informers as passive-aggressive, and informers think of directors as bossy. http://www.infjorinfp.com/docs/PreferredCommunicationStyle.htm

2: There's a subtle difference in the priorities of the blah blah blah, so INFPs are Fi, Ne, whereas INFJs are Ni Fe. That is, my emotions are all mine (something about hero complex), but my intuition is readily given to others (parenting). With the INFJ, the intuition stays internal (hero), but the feelings are readily given to others (parenting). This is something I'm still trying to learn and make sense of. I can see how the INFP approach applies to me, and I am having a difficult time grasping the INFJ approach. Oddly, the exact same differences can be had between the ENFP and the INFP. So, the ENFP and INFJ both are Ni Fe, but the INFP is Fi Ne. http://www.personalitypage.com/INFP.html for a list, but no actual info. Info is here: http://www.infjorinfp.com/docs/8CognitiveProcesses.htm

From Jungian psychology, the Myers-Briggs inherits The Eight Cognitive Processes. Supposedly, each of the 16 types in the MBTI shares a specific set of four strengths and four weaknesses in these eight cognitive processes. The strengths for the INFP and INFJ are as follows:

INFP

Dominant	Fi	(Introverted Feeling)
Auxiliary	Ne	(Extraverted Intuition)
Tertiary	Si	(Introverted Sensing)
Inferior	Te	(Extraverted Thinking)

INFJ

Dominant	Ni	(Introverted Intuition)
Auxiliary	Fe	(Extraverted Feeling)
Tertiary	Ti	(Introverted Thinking)
Inferior	Se	(Extraverted Sensing)

Soooooo, I really AM an INFP. All the way. Not an INFJ. The test is misinterpreting my organization as me being a J, where it instead counts toward the INFP's Inferior preference for Extraverted Thinking (also defined as ORGANIZING).



This time around, I've done a fair amount of research. I still have more to go, but I'm learning. There is a fair amount on a site that is focused on this very issue--distinguishing between the INFJ and INFP. I've learned quite a lot from it, but the situation is not abundantly clear.

First, I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that I'm an xNFx. The only person I know that tries to claim I'm an extrovert is my ENFP mother... who is trying to claim that *she* is an INFP. Hmmm... Anyway, so I'm definitely an INFx. The vast majority of what I've come across throughout my life organizes me as a very definite Perceiver--usually near 100%.

The Five Love Languages - Physical Touch

Over the past few weeks, I've been slowly coming to terms with the fact that my Love Language is Physical Touch. Every time I've taken the tests, this is how I've scored.

Somewhere along the line, I got the impression that this love language was a Bad Thing™, so I didn't accept my results. I wrote in an earlier blog entry about my experiences with Words of Affirmation, but I was wrong in my assertion that it was my primary love language; it's my secondary love language. I even went through the effort of writing up my own test to determine your love language. The original version wasn't written well enough, and my results came out extremely one-sided. I modified the test to include very few options to force people to choose something other than their primary love language on some of the questions. I still came out very strongly as Physical Touch. Ironically, my low scores in Acts of Service and Receiving Gifts are backed up by my key difficulty in writing the test: I had a very difficult time coming up with multiple unique examples for these languages.

The implications of having this as my primary love language, though, are far more interesting. I have explicit memories of feeling extremely lonely during middle school and high school. My desire wasn't to have someone to talk with or to spend time with. My family and my best friend satisfied those every day. I didn't desire to be praised, as I got that from my math teachers, the county board of education, and of course my family.

What I remember is wishing I had someone to hold. I would imagine putting my arms around her while she rested her head on my chest. I've come to realize that this is probably a large part of why I've never been satisfied with being single. The whole concept of being happy with being single just seems foreign to me. How can I be happy if I have no one to hold hands with, no one to hug every day, no one to snuggle with on the sofa during a movie? Ultimately, it boils down to this: how can I be happy if I don't feel loved?

It also seems rather telling that most of my best memories of various past relationships involve some sort of physical touch:

• Learning to ballroom dance... and the Tango was my favorite.
• Long walks along the beach at night, holding hands
• Holding her hand beneath mine on the car's gear shift while I'm driving
• Playing with her hair--again while I'm driving... actually, just about any time...
• Giving back rubs
• My mom's scalp massages
• Snuggling under the covers in the middle of nowhere watching a meteor shower
• Giving my best friend a big hug when we meet (he lives twelve time zones away--we don't see each other often)
• Every first kiss over more than the past decade
• The big bear hugs I give people
• Two honeymoons, though technically, the one I had to get drunk wasn't really the best of memories
• My bird falling asleep while I'm holding him
• "Sitting in a broken circle while you rest upon my knee... this purrrrrrrfect moment will soon be leaving me"


To me, physical touch of any kind is very intimate. I can tell a lot about a person and our relationship by the hug. Likewise, the sex is even more revealing. The lesbian acted like it was a chore... unless it involved lesbian fantasies. The cheater always felt less valuable as a female. I believe the one I didn't marry taught me more about myself, though--that I love giving pleasure. This makes sense, since I had the hardest time properly pleasing the other two. The first, since I wasn't female, and the second because she faked orgasms for a long time. While the second was best at physically pleasuring me (ironically the least experienced with other guys), the third was the most fun--because I had no difficulty at all in pleasuring her. She even said I was the best she'd ever had. Unfortunately, it was also difficult because I knew I didn't love her. How could I continue to express so much love when it's not there? Sex without love feels like a lie every single time. I suspect I'll be celibate for a while.


But how can I be happy if I don't feel loved?

Interesting Things About Me

1) I am a native of Asheville, NC. I would have been the eighth generation to live on the same family land in the mountains of Western North Carolina.

2) I don't have a Southern Accent, despite growing up there.I'm not even particularly good at faking it.

3) I can sing... well. I performed in several musicals in high school, and I got the big solo in West Side Story ("There's a Place for Us").

4) Despite my mother being a piano teacher, I taught myself to play the piano. I played the flute in elementary school, the trumpet in middle school, and I played the piano all through high school and college. I seriously considered majoring in music.

5) I've been studying psychology on my own since middle school. I became fascinated early on with personality types and the Myers-Briggs in specific. I seriously considered majoring in psychology.

6) In high school, I read all about relativity. I really enjoyed learning all about how our universe works. Someday, I might get a masters (or more) in physics.

7) The doctors told my mother I would be mentally retarded. Because I'm so quiet, she always wondered if they might have been right. She'd say, "well, at least he'll get by on his looks."

8) In the 7th grade, I discovered quite by accident that I'm smart. Everyone in our math class was given a test to take--basically a math competition. I was shocked when I found out I got the highest score in the class. Then I found out I got the highest score in the school. I also got the highest score in the county--by two points (I got 18 out of 25).

9) I did the same thing again the next year.

A) I did the same thing again the next year, but this year, I was competing with high school students. If I remember correctly, I did the same thing every year thereafter, though I never topped my freshman score.

B) I didn't have my multiplication tables memorized until late in high school. Yes, I did multiplication on my fingers.

C) I suck at arithmetic. I take that back. According to the IQ Adventure Test on okcupid, I'm pretty darn good relative to most people, but I feel like I suck at arithmetic. There's a difference between Mathematics and Arithmetic. I kick ass at math. I majored in it.

D) I grew up without cable. For most of my childhood, we didn't even have a TV.

E) I don't have a TV. I watch movies on my computer. I gave my TV away a long time ago.

F) I have a core body temperature well below 97°. My mother and all of my siblings do as well. Some people claim that this means we're descended from aliens. (hahahahaha!)

10) I didn't successfully learn to program on a computer until the summer before my first year in college--as a computer science major. I had only programmed my TI graphing calculator before starting college. Now, I'm a programmer... and my hobby of studying psychology has come in handy. By the way, In hexadecimal, "10" means sixteen. :)

11) I was raised Christian--mostly Presbyterian. I went to a Southern Baptist church through middle school and for a while in high school. I've been born again and baptized, and I was a part of the youth band for several years (played piano on Wednesday evenings).

12) I'm an atheist. I go back and forth between being an agnostic atheist and the asshole "I'm right" kind of atheist. It depends on my mood. (Yes, I really *am* an INFP... no INTP would ever say something like that.) As an advanced mathematician, I am aware of the concept of higher dimensions, so I'm not opposed to the possibility that there could be sentient beings of higher dimensions.

13) I'm a firm believer in the Weak Anthropic Principle. If you try to use logic to argue for god with me, you will lose. I believe you have the right to believe whatever you want (otherwise we're talking 1984 and Big Brother). I won't try to force my beliefs down your throat if you don't try to force yours down someone else's.

14) My dad is a preacher. His specific job is to convert people like me to Christianity.

15) I've lived in California since May, 2005. ALL of my family is on the East Coast.

16) I'm the second of four children in the family. We're all two years apart.

17) I was the first to get married.

18) I was also the second to get married. Wtf?

19) Third and fourth are already taken. Whew.

1A) I didn't forget the hexadecimal thing.

1B) The only thing worse than doing arithmetic in hexadecimal is trying to convert large decimal numbers to binary.

1C) That's what computers are for. :D

1D) I abhor calling for tech support. I absolutely hate the new automated troubleshooting systems that ISPs have now. If I'M calling them, it's THEIR fault.

1E) I have a really hard time asking for help. Let me rephrase that. I never ask for help.

1F) Unless it's physical labor. I hate physical labor.

20) I get along better with the girls than I do with the guys. The idea of a "guys' night out" gives me the heebie jeebies.

21) If you have to ask how to know if you're in love, then you aren't.

Old Poetry

In high school, I wrote a slew of poetry, but I stopped abruptly. The following are the only two poems I've written in the past twelve years.



the fruit of your labor
January 11, 2002

Your memory crushes me
Your harshness a crutch
You failed to build me up
You failed to destroy me
You fail to enjoy your greatest dream
You insult my creativity
You deny the insult
You invalidated my dreams
You destroyed my art
You deprived the world
Your stoic nature
Your quick wit
Your definite, brilliant opinions
Your open-minded politics
Your closed-minded world
Your never ending cast of blame and denial of error
Pushed me away
You thrived on your creation of words
And abhorred my creations
Enjoy your hell
Rot in your dream




Perfection
August 19, 2007

I am not perfect.
I am intelligent.
I am educated.
I am knowledgeable.
But I am not perfect.

I am strong.
I am emotional.
I am insightful.
I am intuitive.
But I am not perfect.

I am creative.
I am musical.
I am artistic.
I am fluid.
But I am not perfect.

I am well spoken.
I have good grammar.
I have good spelling.
I have good diction.
But I am not perfect.

You think you write better than me.
You think I can't draw.
My music is too loud for you.
I am not the same as you.
And I shouldn't need your approval.
You are not perfect.





I find the power of words to be truly amazing. I'm amazed that one sentence could possibly have instilled so much bitterness in me. Every time I think about writing a poem, I think about how insignificant, how impotent she made me feel, and I'm helpless; I freeze. My brain shuts down and all that's left is the pure emotion, the bitterness, the anger, the hatred, the insecurity, the sheer terror of upsetting her, but she has been out of my life for nearly a decade.

Be careful what you say, as you never know how deeply it can hurt someone--even if the effect isn't immediate. All she said was, "my poetry is better than yours." Ultimately, though, it's not just what you say, as absolutely everything about her demeanor implied she was right and I was wrong.

When I finally left, I was a hollow shell of a man--not even a person. I lost $18k getting out of the marriage, but I wanted out so badly I didn't want to argue over it.

I had just turned 21.


That was a very long time ago.

The Five Love Languages -- Update

I've been aware of "The Five Love Languages" for a long time, but I had never actually read it for myself. I finally sat down and read the entire book within a 24-hour period. Learning about this from another person is just not the same as reading it for myself. I was amazed to find that I was completely wrong on my love language (see previous entry on this topic). I'm "Words of Affirmation" and "Physical Touch." In other words, I'm definitely going to tell you how awesome you are, I'll never condescend, and I'll shower you with lots of hugs. If you can't handle that, we aren't a match. :P

I'm an Elitist

I've known people that have gotten really pissed off at me for thinking that I am smarter than most everyone else and that it makes me the least bit different from anyone else. The truth is that I am and it does. I am well aware that it does not make me better than anyone else, but this is one thing that validates my rant about online dating (I'm not sorry if that offended you). If you can't understand how this stuff works, you are not my equal. In my entire life, I have known four peers that I've sat down with and that have been able to keep up with me (one of those four well exceeded me). It is not unreasonable to desire to be understood. Everyone desires to be understood. I desire to be able to have conversations about my ideas. If you find that arrogant or offensive, then I don't particularly care. No, I do care. I care because you are selfishly expecting me to be something I am not, hence the rant.



Note: This was written in November of 2006, is a repost, and it's a subset of a larger (completely unrelated) entry. I had been thinking about writing a *new* entry pointing out that I don't think it's such a bad thing to be "elitist." A few minutes ago, I stumbled across something I wrote two and a half years ago that says it as well as I'd expect to say it now.

The Five Love Languages - Words of Affirmation

I learned about The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman several years ago, but I learned about it second-hand--through an SO. As a result, my understanding was directly dependent on her understanding of the love languages. I've been meaning to read it myself for quite some time, and today, I stumbled across it at the bookstore, and now I've read the first 1/3 of the book.

The first language he discusses is "Words of Affirmation." She asserted that this is her love language but concluded that this is NOT my love language. After reading the chapter myself, I'm not so sure any more. In fact, I'm seeing in a completely different light a potential reason for why both of my marriages failed.

I've always been one to fish for compliments, and I know that. I think it's obvious that I'm fishing, but maybe it isn't. I need to be told that I'm important. This is so deeply ingrained in my psyche that it doesn't just apply to personal relationships--it applies to everything that I do. I regularly "show off" at work to whomever is closest (or whomever is likely to care) just so that I can hear someone say, "that's pretty cool," about whatever I built/designed/put together.

In high school, I fell in love with someone I couldn't have. We were good friends and hung out a fair amount, but through circumstances well beyond the scope of this entry, a romantic relationship wasn't an option. I lost my chance. As a result, I put everything I felt in words--poetry. I wrote a fair amount of it. Not all of it was romantic, and not all of it was even relevant to her, but I wrote a lot.

Eventually, I moved on and wound up with someone that was more interested in me. I wrote poetry for her too. I did all kinds of things to express my undying love. I wrote music, I drew, and I even posted a web site proclaiming how incredibly awesome she was. Her response was that my drawings weren't very good and that her poetry was better than mine.

I haven't written any poetry or drawn anything since.

That was ten years ago.





I married her anyway. For me, this relationship turned into a living hell. She had absolutely no grasp on the power of words, despite being an editorial journalist for the university's newspaper. As I interpreted it, she told me every day for a year that she wanted a divorce. Finally, I tried to take her up on what I had interpreted as an offer. At this point, she was completely shocked to find out that asking me every day, "Do you want a divorce," was interpreted as a threat and not as the intended genuine concern that I might be unhappy and want out. In my mind, she never passed up an opportunity to tell me that I was worthless, a complete screw-up, or altogether unlovable (no, these aren't remotely the words she used, but this is how I interpreted it). Obviously, this marriage failed...

...so did the second one. At this point, my primary love language had been reduced to me buying the Hallmark cards that made my second wife so happy that she'd cry--four times per year (Valentines, Anniversary, Birthday, and Christmas). For this, amongst many other reasons, this relationship was doomed from the start.


Last year, I discovered quite by accident that it's in my nature to actively tell a woman exactly how special to me she is. Unfortunately, this woman did not feel the same, and it wound up being a bit much for her and our friendship.

Now, I'm stuck in the position that I'm afraid to say much of anything about what I really think about a woman, as I'm afraid I'm going to come off "too strong" and scare her away. For a very long time, I've also completely avoided bringing up any of my complaints as I've always been afraid that a single complaint would result in the end of the relationship (can you blame me when I heard the question, "do you want a divorce," every day?).


Ironically, the only women I ever tell exactly what I think of them are the ones I don't expect to ever hear back from. Once in a blue moon, I find a woman on a dating site that impresses me for some reason or another, and for yet another reason, I believe a relationship between the two of us would be doomed to fail. I write an email sending a compliment and noting that I don't expect to hear back. These emails are my "just to brighten your day" emails. I know how it would make me feel to receive a no-pressure compliment, so I pass them along.

INFJ??

I just took yet another personality test, but this one had far more interesting questions, and I couldn't predict their intentions. For the first time ever, I tested as an INFJ--and reasonably strong on all of the letters. The J shocked me so much that I went and read a few of the INFJ descriptions that I could find, and then I compared them to the INFP description (which I've thought I am since middle school), and I'm beginning to wonder if this test has categorized me better than I've ever categorized myself.

I'm always trying to figure out who I am and why I am the way that I am (in general), and this easily fits into both types. I've always found myself different--even from other INFPs. Ultimately, no one I've ever met remotely interacts with the world the way that I do. Do you know anyone that went to state-level math competitions *and* performed in your high school musicals? Is this person a talented musician *and* a kick-ass computer programmer?

I've always been laid-back and messy, but I've never been disorganized, per se. I hate lists, but I know the personality types of everyone I know. I haven't done dishes at my own house in a year, but I hand-washed most of the dishes at my friend's house last week--because I felt like it.

Ultimately, I'm organized and decisive about things that matter to me (like concepts and people), but I'm excessively disorganized and indecisive about things that don't matter to me... like chores and getting out of bed.

I've been very surprised to find on OkCupid that the vast majority of my matches are INTJs. There are a small number of INFPs and even fewer INFJs. Note that I noticed... and remembered. Until now, it has surprised me that my best friend is an INTJ. I communicate much better with the INFPs that I know, but ultimately, my values are more aligned with my INTJ friends (her boyfriend is an INTJ too). Likewise, my organization of people tends to offend my INFP friends (a little); It's interpreted as cold-hearted or closed-minded. Okay, I'll admit: Not only do I keep up with the personality types of everyone I know, but I have a fair idea of their IQs too. Really.

Along the value lines: I know four INFPs, and three of them still live with their parent(s). Out of four INFPs, one got a college degree by 22. Two of the remaining are working on their degrees in their mid twenties and the fourth got her degree in her early thirties. None of them are atheists. Other than me, all of the NFs that I know are either Christians or believe in some sort of ephemeral spirit realm (e.g. The Secret). All of the NTs that I know are atheists (note: not all of the NFs are girls and not all of the NTs are guys).


Why am I different? I'm still working on that.

Home

I was thinking last night about a test I took a while ago.

What Word Are You?

I'm: Home.

Originally, I didn't think anything of it. I still don't think much of the test, as it's pretty clearly an advertisement for a book.

Despite this, I was thinking about the word "home." There's the cliché, "Home is where the heart is," and it's incredibly true. We've heard it so much, though, that we may only see this for its obvious interpretation. I grew up in Asheville, NC, so Asheville will always be home to me.

That isn't why I'm writing this blog entry.

I've been asked many times how I knew I was in love. Every time, I've failed to give a good answer, but the answer came to me the other night: "Home." When you're in love, Home isn't where you grew up. Home isn't where you spent most of your life. Home isn't a city, state, or your native country. Home isn't where you pay rent or where you sleep at night.

Home is a person. Wherever I am, if I'm with her, I'm home.


I've been homeless for more than a year.

Perfection

I am not perfect.
I am intelligent.
I am educated.
I am knowledgeable.
But I am not perfect.

I am strong.
I am emotional.
I am insightful.
I am intuitive.
But I am not perfect.

I am creative.
I am musical.
I am artistic.
I am fluid.
But I am not perfect.

I am well spoken.
I have good grammar.
I have good spelling.
I have good diction.
But I am not perfect.

You think you write better than me.
You think I can't draw.
My music is too loud for you.
I am not the same as you.
And I shouldn't need your approval.
You are not perfect.

Mere Christianity

Recently, Richard Dawkins published a book called, "The God Delusion." This manifesto discussing Dawkins' atheist viewpoint made a lot of press, both good and bad. NPR's Fresh Air had him as a guest on March 28, 2007. The next day, Fresh Air had Francis Collins, a Christian scientist, on the show to discuss his belief that faith in Christianity was compatible with his scientific viewpoint.

Twenty five minutes (25:00, actually) into the podcast version of this show is where Collins begins his discussion of his initial atheism and his transformation to a Christian. At 27:38, he mentions a book written by an Oxford Scholar who was an atheist who wanted to back up his atheism, and the results had an unexpected outcome--"Mere Christianity," by C.S. Lewis.

This notion perplexed me. How could a reasonable atheist be converted to Christianity, especially one smart enough to be a part of the sequencing of the human genome? As a result, I picked up my copy of the book and began to read it (a Christian friend of mine gave it to me many years ago). The results might surprise you.

The foundation of Lewis' argument is morality. Lewis discusses the detail that humans tend to have a common view of what is moral and what is immoral. He states this as a fact. Lewis misses the detail that this isn't a fact and that different people and cultures do actually have different definitions of morality: e.g. abortion, capital punishment, slavery, women's rights, genocide, rape, consumption of animal flesh, etc... For each of these examples, there are (or have been) people that fall on either side of the discussion of the morality of the topic. In Christianity, Lot was considered a righteous man, though he gave his own daughters up to be gang-raped. Slavery is condoned in the new and old testaments of the bible. God *supposedly* performed a genocide of his own when he spared Noah and his family, while wiping out all the rest of humanity. Clearly, morality isn't the black-and-white issue that Lewis and Christians tend to believe it is.

For the sake of argument, though, let's disregard this difficulty in Lewis' "proof" and continue. The foundation of his argument depends on one additional claim. Given that we humans have a common notion of the moral ideal, the moral ideal must actually exist... it must have a source or an example. Unfortunately, this logical claim breaks down very, very quickly. Lewis claims that we can't call a line crooked without having a notion of what a straight line is; we would notice being wet, but a fish would not; if the universe had no light, then there would be no creatures with eyes, and we would not be able to comprehend the difference between light and dark. Each of these examples is flawed.

First of all, a blind person is capable of comprehending the difference between light and dark, specifically that one is the presence of photons within a specific frequency range and the other is the absence of them. Likewise, a deaf person is capable of understanding that sound is merely vibration of air molecules. While we have never experienced it, we are capable of comprehending that space is silent--with no matter to vibrate, there can be no sound. We are perfectly capable of imagining that a substance exists and that something travels through that substance. Take as an example ether. At the beginning of the twentieth century, scientists were looking for evidence of the "ether." As it turns out, it was rather, um, ethereal. Scientists imagined that light traveled through this "ether" and assumed that they could figure out how fast the Earth was traveling through the "ether" by measuring the speed of light in various directions. As it turns out, they were wrong. Just like imagining darkness in a universe with no light, we imagined the "ether" in a relativistic universe.

Next, implying a fish does not feel wet because it is a water creature implies that a human would not feel dry because he is not a water creature. Likewise, it implies that we are not capable of appreciating air because we have never experienced a vacuum. This is an inappropriate example, so I'm having a very difficult time coming up with an appropriate counterexample.

Most importantly, the biggest flaw in Lewis' argument is the notion of a straight line. This brings us to mathematics and geometry. I prefer the example of a circle. A circle is the collection of points on a plane that are a specific distance from another arbitrary point on the plane. We are capable of comprehending each of these logical ideas, but sadly, none of them exist. A point is a man-made concept, an infinitesimally small dot. An atom is infinitely larger than a point. No one has ever seen a point, and no one ever will. The same is true of a plane. The same is true of a circle. No one has ever seen a circle, and no one ever will. It's a concept. The fact that we are capable of imagining the concept does not prove the concept exists.

Furthermore, it's important to point out that the concept of a circle is a human construct, and its lack of real-world existence is not a hindrance to the furthering of mathematics or physics--not unlike how the lack of god's existence hasn't affected religious apologists.

Talking with a girl that has a boyfriend

The other day, I upset one of my friends. She knew I had an interest in a girl (but not which girl). When she found out, her response was "You know she has a boyfriend, right?" My response: "So?" The obvious question ensued: Would I really want to date a girl that left her boyfriend for me?

First of all, I don't know the guy, despite the fact that he was there. I know next to nothing about him. He's a completely random stranger. For all I know, he beats her. What I do know:

a) His name.
b) She behaves differently when he's around than she does when he's not around.
c) He gets nervous at the notion that a guy might be trying to talk to his girlfriend.

Between (b) and (c), I would say that they don't have a particularly strong relationship.

For the record, she smokes. I couldn't date anyone that smokes. Obviously, then, this blog isn't about her; it's about my position on making relationships with women that already are dating someone else.


Women and men are in very different positions when it comes to dating. A beautiful woman of any type is likely to have men lined up waiting for her to become single. Obviously, this isn't true for all women, but it's definitely not true for most guys. For those of us that aren't interested in (or capable of) dating a dozen women at once, it's difficult to ever be noticed.

All guys claim to be the caring, compassionate man that women tend to be interested in. Few of us really are. Since all guys claim to be the mythical "good guy," the only way to prove it is with time.

There are many aspects to relationships, especially relationships between the different genders. I tend to get along better with women than I do with men, and as a result, I tend to look to have females as friends instead of males. My reasons for this are different from what other people claim. I get along better with women because I have more in common with them. As Annika puts it, she thinks of me as one of the girls because I tend to think more like a girl would.

So, why would I be interested in talking with a girl that already has a boyfriend?

a) for the same reason that I would talk to a guy that already has a girlfriend: she might turn out to be a really interesting person.
b) it's good to have women that will vouch for me.
c) perhaps when she's single again, we may find that we're interested in each other.
d) friends make much better lovers than strangers.
3) meeting people and making friends is a great way to meet new people and make new friends. (duh.)

The Importance of God

Many people perceive atheists as being just as fanatical as religious fundamentalists. We are the evil, amoral people that remove prayer from schools, that refute the Pledge of Allegiance, that oppose the Ten Commandments, and that kill unborn babies. If God doesn't exist, why do Atheists make such a big deal about it?

As discussed in a previous blog, atheists are not amoral. We have our own definition of morality. Since atheism is not an organized religion, each of us has our own definition of morality, but this is no different from Christianity. So far as I'm aware, no living Christian follows the morality as defined in the Bible (e.g. disobedient children should be killed). Just as we atheists do, Christians also find their own moral middle ground.

Oddly, while Christians find atheists to be amoral (without morals), atheists tend to find Christians to be immoral (going against reasonable societal morals). For example: First Amendment Rights. The very first amendment to the US Constitution explicitly states that "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion[.]" Conservative Christians are trying their hardest to go against this--they are trying to legislate their own interpretation of morality, according to their own religion, which is explicitly prohibited by the first amendment. The most blatant of these is the promotion of the Ten Commandments, that people explicitly believe these should be law. At least of six of these commandments reek of religion. The ones that don't: you shall not murder; you shall not steal; you shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. Arguably, the commandment "you shall not commit adultery" is a religious commandment (or sexist, based on the definition of adultery), and all remaining commandments are either explicitly religious, or are things that can't be made into law anyway (e.g. you shall not covet your neighbor's house...).

This brings us to the Pledge of Allegiance. In 1954, the "God" of Christianity was legislated into the morning ritual of children, nationwide. Based on this, George H. W. Bush has even stated publicly that atheists are not citizens because this is one nation under God. According to our First Amendment rights, though, he is the one at fault; he is the one going against our nation's founding--not me.

I have every right to practice the religion (or lack thereof) of my choosing. Congress is in the wrong by respecting any religion. Since public school is provided by the government, it is unconstitutional for public school to be used by the government as a method of pushing religion of any sort, and especially as a method of religious indoctrination (can we say intelligent design?).

Claiming the immorality of aborting a four-celled zygote is a religious claim--not one based in science or any form of logical reasoning. This is no more a person than identical twins being considered one person, or a chimera being considered two. Yet, this religious reasoning is behind why stem cell research is effectively illegal in the United States. The rest of the world is continuing in this field without us.


Why do atheists care whether other people believe in god? We only care to the extent that they push their beliefs off on other people. We care that they attempt to legislate their (by our standards) faulty morality on us. If we were not treated as less human, less American, less moral, then we wouldn't care what other people believe. If our First Amendment rights were not being stifled, we wouldn't have a problem. If religious fundamentalists were not blocking scientific research and science education, we would be fine to allow them to live in their own ignorance. We don't take issue with the religious views against premarital sex so long as it doesn't affect educating people about reality. We don't focus on people that believe the Earth is flat because they aren't trying to legislate these unfounded beliefs.

Why do I care that other people believe in God? Because they care that I don't.

Annika's New Place

Friday evening, shortly after officially moving in, Annika called me up excited about her new place. She wanted to show it off. So, I called and apologized to the guys I had just agreed to meet for dinner (Montie from Veto! plus a friend), went home to get my camera, and promptly drove out to see what all of the fuss was about.

Oh. I see. Yes, it's beautiful. Technically, the Grey Goose Vodka bottles belong to a roommate that doesn't drink any more. Yes, I'm an *amateur* photographer. Any serious photographer would have noticed and MOVED the freaking camera case that was in the way of the nice photo.

There was a basket of candy on the island in the kitchen, and I kept telling myself that if I started in on the Life Savers, that I would never stop. I tried. I really tried. I tried for a really long time. Then I gave in and took a photo of the first.

Prior to arriving at the house, I went with Annika to Ikea (the mother ship) so that she could buy some new dishes and traditional Swedish food. I have no idea if I like the food she kept showing me, since I had to ask her what it was. Of course, I've never had smoked roe before. I've had caviar on sushi, but never simply as caviar. I don't know how to tell you if I like it or not.

The Pool Boy was waiting for us back at the house. He had the chicken wings. None of us knew how to properly cook buffalo wings. They had already been marinaded in buffalo sauce. So, Annika puts them in the oven. Not a bad idea if I do say so myself.

We had no idea what temperature to set the oven to or how long to let the wings cook. Since Annika didn't have a candy thermometer, I left the meat-cooking to her. The only way I know to cook meat well is with a thermometer. It involves a bunch of elbow grease and heat from friction. Are you up to the task?

Do the wings look done to you? Just kidding... this was just a gratuitous photo.

Meanwhile, on the opposite side of the room, Annika's manfriend has had a long, hard day working on blueprints. Errr, I mean, The Pool Boy has had a long, hard day of cleaning pools and keeping women happy. Yes, that's the ticket!

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Seriously, though. What the fuck is up with the low-carb barbecue sauce? BBQ is supposed to be high in sugar. It's not BBQ without the brown sugar. There is something seriously wrong with any diet that tells you it's okay to drink a glass of lard, but it's not okay to eat an apple or an orange.


It seems he really was working on a blueprint.

For those of you that are sickeningly curious, this is what the comforter looks like up close. The texture! Oh, the texture! And for the record, I didn't get to see what it was really like under the covers. The Pool Boy had too much work to do. ;)

Somewhere along the line, Annika got a hold of my camera and went crazy taking photos of her bookshelves. She's really proud of her book shelves. Here are the few photos that looked good:



Anyway... Queen Annika had to log onto MySpace to check up on her loyal subjects. She went through all of her photos and showed me what all of her minions/slaves do in order to praise her.

Hey, he's asleep! Now we can have some real fun with the camera... Well, not really. We didn't do anything we wouldn't have done with him awake and in the room.

I was on my way out, and I saw something that I thought would make a really cool photo. So, I asked Annika to go back to where she was just standing, and I took a photo.
Crap... It's out of focus. That's not going to work. Well, maybe it will work as a small image.

The flash is a very bad thing. Very bad. Very, very bad. I'll say this as many times as necessary to get the point across. I don't like using the flash unless absolutely necessary.

So, I took a few more shots without the flash before heading out the door. I think these are a bit better. By the way, it was Annika's idea to climb up on the counter top. I had nothing at all to do with this. I just took the photos. O:-)

To Annika's credit, the above photo was a five second exposure, and the next photo is eight seconds. She did a fabulous job of staying still for the camera.For the next shot, I tried to add a little bit of light with my flashlight, but the LEDs were way too blue, so it looks like Annika is watching TV. The original was much bluer. This is the best I could do without making it not look like a real photo.
While I may bitch about her breathing causing her left hand to blur, this was still a 3.2 second exposure with a two second lead-in. I didn't expect her to hold her breath for the photo. The lighting in the room made the original exceptionally yellow. This photo has been adjusted to reflect the actual color of the room, as seen in the close-up of the comforter (there was more light available at that time).

Looking at this last photo's time-stamp, I've realized that I didn't adjust the time on the camera when I came back to California from North Carolina. The time stamp is 3:48AM. You do the math. I didn't overstay my welcome that much.

Lastly, the larger photos that blogger shows you when you click on the images are still a quarter the size of the originals. See this version of the last photo for comparison.