I learned about The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman several years ago, but I learned about it second-hand--through an SO. As a result, my understanding was directly dependent on her understanding of the love languages. I've been meaning to read it myself for quite some time, and today, I stumbled across it at the bookstore, and now I've read the first 1/3 of the book.
The first language he discusses is "Words of Affirmation." She asserted that this is her love language but concluded that this is NOT my love language. After reading the chapter myself, I'm not so sure any more. In fact, I'm seeing in a completely different light a potential reason for why both of my marriages failed.
I've always been one to fish for compliments, and I know that. I think it's obvious that I'm fishing, but maybe it isn't. I need to be told that I'm important. This is so deeply ingrained in my psyche that it doesn't just apply to personal relationships--it applies to everything that I do. I regularly "show off" at work to whomever is closest (or whomever is likely to care) just so that I can hear someone say, "that's pretty cool," about whatever I built/designed/put together.
In high school, I fell in love with someone I couldn't have. We were good friends and hung out a fair amount, but through circumstances well beyond the scope of this entry, a romantic relationship wasn't an option. I lost my chance. As a result, I put everything I felt in words--poetry. I wrote a fair amount of it. Not all of it was romantic, and not all of it was even relevant to her, but I wrote a lot.
Eventually, I moved on and wound up with someone that was more interested in me. I wrote poetry for her too. I did all kinds of things to express my undying love. I wrote music, I drew, and I even posted a web site proclaiming how incredibly awesome she was. Her response was that my drawings weren't very good and that her poetry was better than mine.
I haven't written any poetry or drawn anything since.
That was ten years ago.
I married her anyway. For me, this relationship turned into a living hell. She had absolutely no grasp on the power of words, despite being an editorial journalist for the university's newspaper. As I interpreted it, she told me every day for a year that she wanted a divorce. Finally, I tried to take her up on what I had interpreted as an offer. At this point, she was completely shocked to find out that asking me every day, "Do you want a divorce," was interpreted as a threat and not as the intended genuine concern that I might be unhappy and want out. In my mind, she never passed up an opportunity to tell me that I was worthless, a complete screw-up, or altogether unlovable (no, these aren't remotely the words she used, but this is how I interpreted it). Obviously, this marriage failed...
...so did the second one. At this point, my primary love language had been reduced to me buying the Hallmark cards that made my second wife so happy that she'd cry--four times per year (Valentines, Anniversary, Birthday, and Christmas). For this, amongst many other reasons, this relationship was doomed from the start.
Last year, I discovered quite by accident that it's in my nature to actively tell a woman exactly how special to me she is. Unfortunately, this woman did not feel the same, and it wound up being a bit much for her and our friendship.
Now, I'm stuck in the position that I'm afraid to say much of anything about what I really think about a woman, as I'm afraid I'm going to come off "too strong" and scare her away. For a very long time, I've also completely avoided bringing up any of my complaints as I've always been afraid that a single complaint would result in the end of the relationship (can you blame me when I heard the question, "do you want a divorce," every day?).
Ironically, the only women I ever tell exactly what I think of them are the ones I don't expect to ever hear back from. Once in a blue moon, I find a woman on a dating site that impresses me for some reason or another, and for yet another reason, I believe a relationship between the two of us would be doomed to fail. I write an email sending a compliment and noting that I don't expect to hear back. These emails are my "just to brighten your day" emails. I know how it would make me feel to receive a no-pressure compliment, so I pass them along.
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