Interesting Things About Me

1) I am a native of Asheville, NC. I would have been the eighth generation to live on the same family land in the mountains of Western North Carolina.

2) I don't have a Southern Accent, despite growing up there.I'm not even particularly good at faking it.

3) I can sing... well. I performed in several musicals in high school, and I got the big solo in West Side Story ("There's a Place for Us").

4) Despite my mother being a piano teacher, I taught myself to play the piano. I played the flute in elementary school, the trumpet in middle school, and I played the piano all through high school and college. I seriously considered majoring in music.

5) I've been studying psychology on my own since middle school. I became fascinated early on with personality types and the Myers-Briggs in specific. I seriously considered majoring in psychology.

6) In high school, I read all about relativity. I really enjoyed learning all about how our universe works. Someday, I might get a masters (or more) in physics.

7) The doctors told my mother I would be mentally retarded. Because I'm so quiet, she always wondered if they might have been right. She'd say, "well, at least he'll get by on his looks."

8) In the 7th grade, I discovered quite by accident that I'm smart. Everyone in our math class was given a test to take--basically a math competition. I was shocked when I found out I got the highest score in the class. Then I found out I got the highest score in the school. I also got the highest score in the county--by two points (I got 18 out of 25).

9) I did the same thing again the next year.

A) I did the same thing again the next year, but this year, I was competing with high school students. If I remember correctly, I did the same thing every year thereafter, though I never topped my freshman score.

B) I didn't have my multiplication tables memorized until late in high school. Yes, I did multiplication on my fingers.

C) I suck at arithmetic. I take that back. According to the IQ Adventure Test on okcupid, I'm pretty darn good relative to most people, but I feel like I suck at arithmetic. There's a difference between Mathematics and Arithmetic. I kick ass at math. I majored in it.

D) I grew up without cable. For most of my childhood, we didn't even have a TV.

E) I don't have a TV. I watch movies on my computer. I gave my TV away a long time ago.

F) I have a core body temperature well below 97°. My mother and all of my siblings do as well. Some people claim that this means we're descended from aliens. (hahahahaha!)

10) I didn't successfully learn to program on a computer until the summer before my first year in college--as a computer science major. I had only programmed my TI graphing calculator before starting college. Now, I'm a programmer... and my hobby of studying psychology has come in handy. By the way, In hexadecimal, "10" means sixteen. :)

11) I was raised Christian--mostly Presbyterian. I went to a Southern Baptist church through middle school and for a while in high school. I've been born again and baptized, and I was a part of the youth band for several years (played piano on Wednesday evenings).

12) I'm an atheist. I go back and forth between being an agnostic atheist and the asshole "I'm right" kind of atheist. It depends on my mood. (Yes, I really *am* an INFP... no INTP would ever say something like that.) As an advanced mathematician, I am aware of the concept of higher dimensions, so I'm not opposed to the possibility that there could be sentient beings of higher dimensions.

13) I'm a firm believer in the Weak Anthropic Principle. If you try to use logic to argue for god with me, you will lose. I believe you have the right to believe whatever you want (otherwise we're talking 1984 and Big Brother). I won't try to force my beliefs down your throat if you don't try to force yours down someone else's.

14) My dad is a preacher. His specific job is to convert people like me to Christianity.

15) I've lived in California since May, 2005. ALL of my family is on the East Coast.

16) I'm the second of four children in the family. We're all two years apart.

17) I was the first to get married.

18) I was also the second to get married. Wtf?

19) Third and fourth are already taken. Whew.

1A) I didn't forget the hexadecimal thing.

1B) The only thing worse than doing arithmetic in hexadecimal is trying to convert large decimal numbers to binary.

1C) That's what computers are for. :D

1D) I abhor calling for tech support. I absolutely hate the new automated troubleshooting systems that ISPs have now. If I'M calling them, it's THEIR fault.

1E) I have a really hard time asking for help. Let me rephrase that. I never ask for help.

1F) Unless it's physical labor. I hate physical labor.

20) I get along better with the girls than I do with the guys. The idea of a "guys' night out" gives me the heebie jeebies.

21) If you have to ask how to know if you're in love, then you aren't.

Old Poetry

In high school, I wrote a slew of poetry, but I stopped abruptly. The following are the only two poems I've written in the past twelve years.



the fruit of your labor
January 11, 2002

Your memory crushes me
Your harshness a crutch
You failed to build me up
You failed to destroy me
You fail to enjoy your greatest dream
You insult my creativity
You deny the insult
You invalidated my dreams
You destroyed my art
You deprived the world
Your stoic nature
Your quick wit
Your definite, brilliant opinions
Your open-minded politics
Your closed-minded world
Your never ending cast of blame and denial of error
Pushed me away
You thrived on your creation of words
And abhorred my creations
Enjoy your hell
Rot in your dream




Perfection
August 19, 2007

I am not perfect.
I am intelligent.
I am educated.
I am knowledgeable.
But I am not perfect.

I am strong.
I am emotional.
I am insightful.
I am intuitive.
But I am not perfect.

I am creative.
I am musical.
I am artistic.
I am fluid.
But I am not perfect.

I am well spoken.
I have good grammar.
I have good spelling.
I have good diction.
But I am not perfect.

You think you write better than me.
You think I can't draw.
My music is too loud for you.
I am not the same as you.
And I shouldn't need your approval.
You are not perfect.





I find the power of words to be truly amazing. I'm amazed that one sentence could possibly have instilled so much bitterness in me. Every time I think about writing a poem, I think about how insignificant, how impotent she made me feel, and I'm helpless; I freeze. My brain shuts down and all that's left is the pure emotion, the bitterness, the anger, the hatred, the insecurity, the sheer terror of upsetting her, but she has been out of my life for nearly a decade.

Be careful what you say, as you never know how deeply it can hurt someone--even if the effect isn't immediate. All she said was, "my poetry is better than yours." Ultimately, though, it's not just what you say, as absolutely everything about her demeanor implied she was right and I was wrong.

When I finally left, I was a hollow shell of a man--not even a person. I lost $18k getting out of the marriage, but I wanted out so badly I didn't want to argue over it.

I had just turned 21.


That was a very long time ago.

The Five Love Languages -- Update

I've been aware of "The Five Love Languages" for a long time, but I had never actually read it for myself. I finally sat down and read the entire book within a 24-hour period. Learning about this from another person is just not the same as reading it for myself. I was amazed to find that I was completely wrong on my love language (see previous entry on this topic). I'm "Words of Affirmation" and "Physical Touch." In other words, I'm definitely going to tell you how awesome you are, I'll never condescend, and I'll shower you with lots of hugs. If you can't handle that, we aren't a match. :P

I'm an Elitist

I've known people that have gotten really pissed off at me for thinking that I am smarter than most everyone else and that it makes me the least bit different from anyone else. The truth is that I am and it does. I am well aware that it does not make me better than anyone else, but this is one thing that validates my rant about online dating (I'm not sorry if that offended you). If you can't understand how this stuff works, you are not my equal. In my entire life, I have known four peers that I've sat down with and that have been able to keep up with me (one of those four well exceeded me). It is not unreasonable to desire to be understood. Everyone desires to be understood. I desire to be able to have conversations about my ideas. If you find that arrogant or offensive, then I don't particularly care. No, I do care. I care because you are selfishly expecting me to be something I am not, hence the rant.



Note: This was written in November of 2006, is a repost, and it's a subset of a larger (completely unrelated) entry. I had been thinking about writing a *new* entry pointing out that I don't think it's such a bad thing to be "elitist." A few minutes ago, I stumbled across something I wrote two and a half years ago that says it as well as I'd expect to say it now.

The Five Love Languages - Words of Affirmation

I learned about The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman several years ago, but I learned about it second-hand--through an SO. As a result, my understanding was directly dependent on her understanding of the love languages. I've been meaning to read it myself for quite some time, and today, I stumbled across it at the bookstore, and now I've read the first 1/3 of the book.

The first language he discusses is "Words of Affirmation." She asserted that this is her love language but concluded that this is NOT my love language. After reading the chapter myself, I'm not so sure any more. In fact, I'm seeing in a completely different light a potential reason for why both of my marriages failed.

I've always been one to fish for compliments, and I know that. I think it's obvious that I'm fishing, but maybe it isn't. I need to be told that I'm important. This is so deeply ingrained in my psyche that it doesn't just apply to personal relationships--it applies to everything that I do. I regularly "show off" at work to whomever is closest (or whomever is likely to care) just so that I can hear someone say, "that's pretty cool," about whatever I built/designed/put together.

In high school, I fell in love with someone I couldn't have. We were good friends and hung out a fair amount, but through circumstances well beyond the scope of this entry, a romantic relationship wasn't an option. I lost my chance. As a result, I put everything I felt in words--poetry. I wrote a fair amount of it. Not all of it was romantic, and not all of it was even relevant to her, but I wrote a lot.

Eventually, I moved on and wound up with someone that was more interested in me. I wrote poetry for her too. I did all kinds of things to express my undying love. I wrote music, I drew, and I even posted a web site proclaiming how incredibly awesome she was. Her response was that my drawings weren't very good and that her poetry was better than mine.

I haven't written any poetry or drawn anything since.

That was ten years ago.





I married her anyway. For me, this relationship turned into a living hell. She had absolutely no grasp on the power of words, despite being an editorial journalist for the university's newspaper. As I interpreted it, she told me every day for a year that she wanted a divorce. Finally, I tried to take her up on what I had interpreted as an offer. At this point, she was completely shocked to find out that asking me every day, "Do you want a divorce," was interpreted as a threat and not as the intended genuine concern that I might be unhappy and want out. In my mind, she never passed up an opportunity to tell me that I was worthless, a complete screw-up, or altogether unlovable (no, these aren't remotely the words she used, but this is how I interpreted it). Obviously, this marriage failed...

...so did the second one. At this point, my primary love language had been reduced to me buying the Hallmark cards that made my second wife so happy that she'd cry--four times per year (Valentines, Anniversary, Birthday, and Christmas). For this, amongst many other reasons, this relationship was doomed from the start.


Last year, I discovered quite by accident that it's in my nature to actively tell a woman exactly how special to me she is. Unfortunately, this woman did not feel the same, and it wound up being a bit much for her and our friendship.

Now, I'm stuck in the position that I'm afraid to say much of anything about what I really think about a woman, as I'm afraid I'm going to come off "too strong" and scare her away. For a very long time, I've also completely avoided bringing up any of my complaints as I've always been afraid that a single complaint would result in the end of the relationship (can you blame me when I heard the question, "do you want a divorce," every day?).


Ironically, the only women I ever tell exactly what I think of them are the ones I don't expect to ever hear back from. Once in a blue moon, I find a woman on a dating site that impresses me for some reason or another, and for yet another reason, I believe a relationship between the two of us would be doomed to fail. I write an email sending a compliment and noting that I don't expect to hear back. These emails are my "just to brighten your day" emails. I know how it would make me feel to receive a no-pressure compliment, so I pass them along.