Honesty

I've learned over the years that there are varying levels of honesty when it comes to relationships. There's the blatant dishonesty that comes with cheating or using someone to get something you want. Then, there's lying about more personal stuff. To quote Dr. Gregory House, everyone lies. Maybe it isn't quite that simple. Perhaps it isn't a lie. Perhaps you just withheld the truth as a personal detail due to insecurities, but it's still dishonest.

I knew for a long time that my ex wasn't a good match. Once she stopped lying to herself about whom she was, it was pretty clear to me that we had some major differences. There were plenty of things about me that drove her nuts. The difference is that I knew that the things about her that drove me nuts couldn't be changed. I also knew that I could live with it. As a result, I never spoke up.

Was that dishonest? Yes. She had always told me that I was a good enough catch that my issues were worth dealing with. As it turns out, that wasn't true. I think that deep down she believed that she could change me, or that I would change myself in order to keep her. The detail she missed is that the things that drove her nuts about me are personality traits. They are things that are side effects of who I am. I can no more change that I'm lazy and messy than I can decide I want to be a misogynist pig, sleeping with a different woman every night. Sure, I could exercise to get more energy so that I'm not as lazy, but that's not going to change the fact that I don't particularly care that I have a path between the kitchen, the bathroom, my computer, and my bed. (You can't see it, but my mother is reading this and laughing, since that's how my room has *always* been, no matter how hard she tried to get me not to be like her.)


Why didn't I speak up? Multiple reasons:

1) Selfish reasons. I figured if she knew that she bothered me as much as I bothered her, that she would call an end to the whole thing and walk out. Despite many details about her annoying me, I was still decently happy with the relationship. Yes, I kept my mouth shut to keep her around, just like she pretended to be exactly what I was looking for in order to keep me interested to begin with.

2) Humane reasons. Since I left my first wife, I think she always had a fear that I would wind up leaving her too. I didn't want her to think that I ever had reason to do this again. After all, what's a strong relationship without security?

3) Noble reasons. Considering that she had her own self-esteem issues, I had absolutely no interest in making her uncomfortable with any part of herself. I didn't fully realize this at the time, but when I met her, she was a shell of the person her father had brainwashed her to be. There was very little about her that was truly her. I did my best to allow her to be whatever she wanted, liberating her to think and act for herself (I don't claim I did a *good* job...). The ultimate irony here is that in helping her to grow to become her own person, she eventually decided she needed to leave me.


Since this is a blog entry about honesty and not a blog entry about my last relationship, I'm not going to go into details any more than that. It's obvious that I was dishonest by leaving out details. The big question is the morality of it. Was it right or wrong? I think that depends on the relationship and specifically the people within the relationship. I think people should be mature enough to handle the truth, but not everyone is. I think this level of honesty is critical for a strong relationship--if you are worried that the other person might take offense and even potentially leave you if you say what you really think or feel, then you don't have a relationship at all.

"Security" is the big word in the whole thing. If you don't have security, you don't have a relationship--you have an acquaintance. If you can't trust someone enough to tell them what you really think about them, you don't have a relationship. If you can't trust your partner with people of the opposite sex, you don't have a relationship--you have an arrangement.


In closing, I'll leave you with this acronym: SHAT. SHAT is the most fundamental requirement for a solid relationship:

Security
Honesty
Acceptance
Trust